Mitchell Report is unpleasant reading

Tonight I'm beginning to digest Senator Mitchell's 400-page report on steroid use in baseball, and it's not going down too well.

Just outside my bedroom door is a cabinet full of Red Sox memorabilia I've collected over the years - I call it my Shrine. One of the displays is four baseballs I got in 1995, each highlighting a different Sox player - three of the four are named as using steroids. The report even has copies of the cancelled checks where they paid for the drugs. It's been building for a long time now, but this is a sad day for baseball. It's a sad day for me as I look at the things in my collection and wonder what they're worth - not in a financial sense but what they're worth to me. Tonight I can't remember all the times those guys made me happy - I only feel naive when I see all the warning signs in retrospect. In a way, though, each of the items represents not just the player, but also where and who I was when I acquired it - in that sense they're all still valuable. Sucks though.

You're not gonna believe this one...

Yep yep it's been a long long long time since we've posted. My beloved Red Sox won the World Series, the Patriots and Celtics are both undefeated (is this reality?), even the Bruins are playing strong. BC was number two, the goddamn New England Revolution are in the playoffs. Not only can it not get better, you have no right to even dream of this if you're a Boston sports fan.

And yet after a couple shots of voddie, the one man I really want to salute is Joe Torre. Yep, the Yankees manager, the dark lord of the sith and a real stand-up guy. Any real Sox fan respects Joe Torre and Derek Jeter, and rejoices at the resigning of A-Hole cos it means ten more years of no Yankee championships. We finally got the AL East title - the first time since Kevin Kennedy and the days of Valentin, Vaughn and Canseco. Jedi mind trick to George Mitchell: These are not the players you're looking for.

But they gave us a scare down the stretch - they overcame a seriously un-Yankee start to win the Wild Card, and you've got to salute the manager for that. A man who made the postseason in each of his twelve years as manager. Everyone whose favorite team is confined by three dimensions think about that for a moment: ten AL East titles, six pennants, and four World Championships. The Sox can only hope for that success in the coming years, and yet Furious George casts aside the anchor. Thankfully it appears they're too afraid to make the complete break, resigning 30-somethings instead of developing farm talent. Joba the Hutt is the antipapelbon and I can become a Dodger fan - Vin Scully makes it so easy. What it all means is vote for Torre as Manager of the Year, early and often. He's the only Yankee I've ever given money to.

Bootleg PBS

That's right, bootleg PBS. Just cos I'm that hardcore. I'm watchin burned DVDs of Charlie Rose interviewing Al Gore. Old episodes of the Jim Lehrer Newshour hosted by Ray Suarez. If you can't hang with that go back to eating grapes in the supermarket aisles. I'm flippin past discs of Frontline to get to Ken Burns' Civil War. You want vintage 3-2-1 Contact? How bout some Reading Rainbow? Hey what punkass stole the cookie from the cookie jar? Me, muddafugga. Couldn't be, you say? Then who? Sure as hell wasn't that beeyotch Boot. I left him tied up James Bond style to be swallowed by a boa constrictor. That's how I roll. It's all made possible by annual financial support from suckas like you. Thank you.

A God By Any Other Name

Bishop Tiny Muskens of the Netherlands has suggested all religions refer to their god as "Allah" in order to foster unity and understanding among the faithful. You know, I've never once met a man named "Tiny" that actually was. Every Tiny I've ever met has been a huge guy with a scraggly beard and prison tattoos on his fingers spelling out words like FATE or JAKE or JOLIET. I haven't seen a picture of Bishop Muskens but I bet he used to be a biker.

So what's wrong with calling God something different? I've done this myself for years to trick people into thinking I was Christian. My god doesn't have a name - like many of this generation I first caught glimpse of my belief system through the visions of George Lucas. But it makes people feel better when you call your god "God" - it makes them think you're talking about their god too. And no matter how obviously ridiculous it is to assign gender characteristics to an unseen force of the universe I still refer to God as a He. Anyone who calls God She is only trying to make a point, to be edgy and make other people uncomfortable. Go ahead and write the hate mail, I've heard all the loving mother arguments and to me there's no difference between a high priestess and a pope. Any religion that argues that one person is inherently closer to God than another can go suck eggs. It makes no difference if the name is God, Allah or the Great Green Arkleseizure - it's all spokes on the same wheel.

Don't Panic!

I've said all year I'm gonna wait to worry till the Red Sox' lead in the AL East was five games.

eep...

Well the bottom line is we need the offense to kick in, and in general lately that's been happening. If you're going to be deficient somewhere, I'd rather it be hitting than pitching. After all, how many games can you win 10-6, 8-5, 16-8?

Enough, apparently, judging from the Yankees' last month. We all know the Yankers beat up on weak teams, but the problem lately (this millenium) has been their struggles against teams with winning records. So looking at this past month as they've trimmed the deficit from 12 games to 5, how many times did they play a .500 team? Hmm - not once. In the first 25 games after the All-Star break, not a one was against a winning team. That trend stops Friday, with series against Cleveland and Anaheim, and two series with Detroit before facing Boston at the end of the month. I posit this particular stretch will be more telling of their true toughness. My beloved Sox, on the other hand, have fully a quarter of their remaining games (12 of 49) with Tampa Bay, the worst team in baseball.

Our tendency to panic comes from something decades old and deep inside. Most of it was washed away in the blood of Curt Schilling, but it's all really only ever remission. Buck up, lil campers. The magic number is 45. This is not your father's Red Sox - it's your Papi's.

Yankee Hole

Oh my good... Oh my goodness gracious I can't believe it. Of all the most dramatic things... Roger Clemens was booed off the mound at Yankee Stadium. Roger Clemens gave up eight runs in an inning and two-thirds... Jorge Posada looks shocked, Andy Pettitte thought it might happen... And there you go, I guess now it's time to start wondering who'll take that fifth spot in the rotation... Oh the humanity...

Marijuana linked to psychosis

The medical journal The Lancet is publishing a study today that suggests marijuana use may lead to psychosis. A link to the AP story can be found here. A couple of things worth noting - there are a certain percentage of people who smoke pot. There are a certain percentage who are psychotic. That the two percentages may overlap does not indicate a causal relationship. A large percentage of serial killers drank milk as a child - this doesn't mean drinking milk causes you to kill people. In the middle of the article is a giant ad for Seroquel, an anti-psychotic drug that sponsored the web page. What really stands out, though, is the last paragraph - the continued effort of the pharmaceutical industry to disparage a drug that grows free in the ground. At least, that's what the voices in my head tell me...

"Two of the authors of the study were invited experts on the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs Cannabis Review in 2005. Several authors reported being paid to attend drug company-sponsored meetings related to marijuana, and one received consulting fees from companies that make antipsychotic medications."

Kinder, Gentler Dog Fighting

Why is it that dog-fighting rings always involve pit-bulls? I think it would be much more entertaining to use chihuahuas. The fights would be quicker - one growl and they'd both be cowering and shaking behind their owners' legs. In honor of Les Nessman it could be called the
Chi Chi Rodriguez Chihuahua Conflagration.

Spying Squirrels

I make no judgement on the issue, I merely pass it along. Fourteen squirrels were detained along Iran's border and charged with espionage. The state-sponsored news agency IRNA reported the squirrels were equipped with GPS, cameras and listening devices. I'm not here to speculate, but if they had cameras perhaps they were being prepared for Junior's colonoscopy?

Funny Ad Placement

Here's the funny...enjoy!

The right hand sidebar says, "Dad, what would happen to me and mommy if you died?"

Larry's Lost Lounge

Oops, never mind...

Posh Gelfling

Is it just me or does Victoria Beckham look like one of those little people from The Dark Crystal?

Live Earth

Not a lot of people in my circle of influence approached the Live Earth concerts like I did - most people listened or watched only a few minutes of it, if any at all. I started recording about 9 o'clock Friday night and continued, in one format or another, straight through till midnight Sunday night. In the course of it all, I discovered all sorts of great bands I had never heard before, and that's really what it was all about. I mean, I love Al Gore, but I'm not gonna listen to him talk all weekend. But the truth is there were three times the PSAs in between sets got me to stand up and change something in my life. Little things I could do easy enough, like unpugging the phone charger when I'm not using it. Or turning up the thermostat one degree. Of course, Rush Limbaugh reported one of the suggestions as only using two pieces of toilet paper.

And that's something that really sucks me off - the belittling by the far-right conservatives. As near as I can tell, the pro-global warming faction falls into two camps. One, those that think it's all a hoax perpetrated by liberals who want to pay more taxes. That group has shrunk drastically since Katrina. And B, those that say it's too big to do anything about - somehow, this seems to be where the converted from the first group fall. The thinking is since Kyoto and similar plans only help a little, they're not worth doing at all. Let's get just a slight bit of perspective here. Yes, it is only little things that each of us can do - the impact comes from the number of people doing them. And no, none of us can be perfect, but that's no reason to do nothing at all. There's a certain laid-back (and cute) Buddhist out there that's had me examining my views of hypocrisy lately, and ya know, maybe hypocrisy isn't always a bad thing. Maybe it's a start. I'm not talking about Bush vetoing stem cell research on the grounds that it's wrong to sacrifice one life to save others after overseeing record numbers of executions while governing Texas. That's not just hypocrisy, that's insanity. That's hearing voices in your head and saying it's God telling you what to do - God or a black lab, I get those two guys confused. But no, I mean the hypocrisy of me exercising every day but still loving McDonalds. The exercising me is where I want to go, the McDonalds me is where I am. If I waited till I didn't want fast food anymore before I started exercising, I'd never get anywhere. So maybe Madonna flew a private jet to do a benefit for the environment - although she didn't, she was already in town. Maybe Al Gore has a big house and it takes a lot of energy to heat it. Why point out the faults of others and never do anything for yourself?

Don't get me wrong, I'm no tree-hugger. I like to cruise Whole Foods parking lots and run over hippies - it's fun to watch them try to get the blood out of their cloth grocery bags with club soda. But you'd have to have a Texas education to not take this stuff seriously, and try to do something/anything, no matter how small.

This Man Wants You To Lower Your Standards

Now let me preface this by saying that I have yet to hear all of Mr. McCartney's latest album. I have just heard the song that they use in the Target ad.

Mr. McCartney is one of the most talented writers in pop music history. He is also responsible for his share of pure shit. But as of late he's been slipping. First of all he gave Linda McCartney cancer and then he got involved with a one legged whore. I have no problem with amputees or whores but you put them together and I am seriously pissed off. This is all beside the point, what I am here to tell you is that this man should have been put down in 1975. Yes that's right, I said it. Everyone was thinking it and I'm the one with the balls to put it on the goddamn internet. Mr. Paul McCartney made beautiful music with "The Beatles" and then made mediocre at best music with "Wings". In between there were a couple of albums that are amazing. "Ram" and "McCartney" both are amazing. But the thing is this, how do you go from making music that will stand for generations and then slowly slide to make music only serious fans like, that's like...not love. I'm sorry but I've had enough of his silly love song bullshit. His second to last album was produced by Radiohead's producer and his latest is produced by I don't give a damn. I won't even look online for it. I just don't give enough of a shit to spend a minute looking up who produced his latest train wreck, "Memory Almost Full". The album can be bought as a Deluxe Edition where they just take your money and you won't have to listen to the cd. That's the record label looking out for you the consumer.
A friend of mine bought the aforementioned shit and he says that it's pretty good, he says that the single is a throwaway song and that the rest of the album is cynical and dark. I believe him but don't really want to throw my life away, I'm still young.
Do yourself a favor and purchase "Ram" instead of letting him think that he should make more albums.
Paul would be so much better if John was still alive.

Smarmy

Groovy People

I was just listening to my XM Radio (everybody go buy one and listen to Opie & Anthony and call up and make cat noises meow) and I heard Lou Rawls singing about "groovy" people. You know, Lou Rawls isn't even a singer to me, he's the guy on tv talking about old peoples' insurance. Like Yaz sold hot dogs, and DiMaggio coffee. I'll know I'm old when it's Ricky Schroeder. Like, "Hi, I'm Richard Schroeder... You can't be turned down, and your premiums will never increase, due to age..." I shudder at the thought.

Why is this man smirking?

Have you ever seen pure evil? Look to the right and then you can say that you have. This man has completely disregarded the constitution and proceeds to shit on America. Why in God's name does he have the right to do what he has already done. I would go so far as to say that he is a traitor. Although he will never see the inside of Guantanamo Bay. That smirk on his face seems to say "You are all so fucked and you don't even know the half of it." This is a country that has so much potential and yet we are underperfoming left and right. I wake up every morning with a pretty good attitude and then I read something about how this administration, which includes Mr. Cheney, is running our country into the ground.
I recently listened to Pete Seeger singing "This land is our land" and it made me tear up because it is a beautiful country and it is being raped. Our government is taking this country in a direction that resembles Germany circa 1933. Except Germany was coming out of a horrible depression and America was coming from a great surplus. The state of this great nation is going down the drain. The people to thank are you and I, look around, we did this to ourselves. We made this country ripe for the picking by evil men. That's the beauty of a democracy, when something like this happens we can put the blame squarely on ourselves. I'm a bit disappointed with us but we can do better. 2008 is right around the corner and since every candidate has jumped the gun and we're already being posed with the question "Who are you going to vote for?". We have a veritable smorgasbord of candidates to choose from. I'm kind of leaning towards the gentleman from Alaska. But here's the good news, it can get better. It will get better. It's cyclical, we'll get a great president again, I just don't know who.

Good luck.

Smarmy

Mmmmm - Delicious Sandwiches

Hello sandwich lovers of the world, and specifically New York City. Very interesting site... Looking at the close-up pictures of people eating is making my stomach churn - I'll assume it's because of hunger. By the way, the Yankees suck.

Speaking of those doddering decrepit deficients from the Bronx, here's a short film dug up by the Dirt Dogs depicting Roger Clemens in the year 2057. Now that's delicious...

Smarmy is as Smarmy does

Welcome home, first of all let me direct your attention to the sidebar under the links tab. There's a new link to a website called Delicious Sandwich. It's a sandwich review blog for deli's and such in NYC. Pretty interesting.
Once again it's been a while since my last posting. It's getting to the point that I post once a quarter. So as my quarterly post this will be a big 'ol spectacle. Much like what you, my adoring public, are accustomed to.
Lately I have tried becoming an optimist. For most of my life I have been the staunch pessimist, I have bragged about it, flaunted it in the faces of the optimistic. Now I have decided that life is too damned short and that I need to do something that would help me be happy. Mind you, for most of my pessimistic years I was depressed. As of late, what with my optimistic point of view the depression has left. It's a good feeling, really good feeling. Part of the paradigm shift is the idea that people are naturally good. I try to believe this so that I can sleep at night. Then I actually interact with people and they shake my new belief system. I try not to hate and yet people I meet dare me to hate them. Case in point...Smarmy has taken a job. The job is that of a waiter at a little italian place. The owners of the place, we'll call "Sid's", are evil. Now I go into this situation thinking that all people are, at their core, good. Then I work with this woman who would turn Medusa to stone. Now here I am with an idea that is shattered before it could ever really take hold. I don't know what to believe. Oh yeah and politicians also make me really feel sorry for humanity as a whole. As long as there are politicians, and that means everyone who ever really wanted to hold political office, we are fucked. I cannot vote for someone who actually wants to be part of that system. Remember that this is an uneducated opinion. Just one hobo spewing forth my vile ideas.
To sum up this post, we're all fucked...that's really it.

Hope we all live to old age,

Smarmy

Sosa hits #600, now 66 behind Satan

Sammy Sosa hit his 600th career home run last night, and as he rounded the bases, the stadium PA began playing the theme from "The Natural." There's nothing natural about Sosa's 600 home runs. He used steroids and a corked bat - shouldn't he be at 800 by now?

Jason Giambi faces a deadline today to agree to meet with George Mitchell's steroid investigation. Bud Selig says he wants players to come forward and provide information, but the one active player who's said anything about the issue, Giambi, now faces possible suspension. And in other news, the former Mets clubhouse attendant's offer to plea-bargain was rejected. The only way Selig will get the information he seeks is to offer amnesty - there's no way to go back and correct the record books, all we can do now is move forward more informed.

And speaking of the record books, some would argue the steroids era makes it impossible to compare records from previous years. Yet Babe Ruth never faced a black pitcher, so how legitimate are his records? To get an idea how comparable baseball records are from different eras, take a look at the National League record for wins in a single season - 59. By "Old Hoss" Radbourn in 1884. Baseball records have never been comparable spanning eras - you can only look at what someone did in relation to his peers. I don't see anyone else sitting on 748...

A-Rod's an A-Hole

Thank goodness he's not on my team. While my beloved Red Sox enjoy the largest lead they've had over the Evil Empire since 1978, all the talk in the New York tabloids is Alex Rodriguez, and none of it is about winning. While his personal life should remain just that - his excapades with the buxom blonde slumpbuster should stay between him, Mrs. A-Rod and their two-year old child - now we get another example of his bush-league mentality. Last night in Toronto, in the ninth inning, two outs, with his team up two runs, he's rounding third as the thirdbaseman Howie Clark circles under a fly ball on the infield. As Slappy McCantcatch passes behind Clark, he yells out "Mine," causing Clark to back away to avoid a collision with his shortstop he believes is calling for the ball. It drops, and eventually three runs score. Toronto manager John Gibbons pleads interference to the umpires as A-Hole stands on third with his best George Bush smirk. After the game Rodriguez says he yelled "Hah" - I'm not the best lip-reader, but it sure looks like an m to me.

This represents a pattern of behaviour, from his elbow to the groin of Dustin Pedroia last week all the way back to slapping the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's glove in 2004. I know he's not thinking when he does these things, he's going on instinct - I also know a good person's instinct is not to cheat. Now, I can't find my copy of the unwritten rule book, but I'm pretty sure this kind of crap is in there. Red Sox GM Theo Epstein, while avoiding direct comment, did say there are "certain things that you just don’t do to the opposition on the baseball field.” If it is indeed no big deal, that it happens "three or four times a week" as Rodgriguez claims, why are none of his Yanker teammates speaking up for him? Why wouldn't one of them say "Hey, this kind of stuff happens all the time, leave him alone?" Derek Jeter, one of the classiest men in baseball, said "Why don't you ask him about it?" Not exactly a ringing endorsement for his former sleepover buddy, the man who will someday break Hank Aaron's record, maybe even before Barry Bonds does.

Yep the Yankees are all the talk in the baseball world this summer. And not a bit of it is about winning. Good times.

New Funny!!

I was just talking to Duh Chief today and he blurted out one of the funniest phrases I have heard in quite a while. "Sucks me off.." As in "Well that sucks me off!". It's a mixture of sucks and pissed off. It's grand. I've used it several times already. The train is moving too fast for me to jump on one of it's boxcars, well that sucks me off. You can use it for anything and everything. Don't be shy, use it with your friends and neighbors. When your dad calls and asks how your car is running, you say "It sucks me off!" angrily. What it is is the context. You people are smart enough to know how to use it and adapt it to any situation that suits you.

Have a grand day,

Smarmy

Cleveland Is ON FIRE!!

Hello again my good friends. I would like everyone to welcome Mr. Cleveland Steemah to Smarmy Hobo. I know that Forty just passed but we need a third party that pulls no punches. Cleveland was once a world renowned hobo until he pulled a hammy and after that it takes a little too long to jump on a boxcar. He's still a hobo legend. We here at the Smarmy look up to him and believe that he will bring quite a bit to the table.
Enough about Cleveland. Let me tell you people about something that has been bothering me. It's name is Alberto Gonzalez. Did anyone else listen to the Senate grilling he took? I was sitting in a boxcar listening to my little radio and feeling a little sorry for the guy until I realized that he was a colossal douche bag. Yes that's right, I'll be the first to come out and call the colossal douche bag a colossal douche bag. He is a symptom of what's wrong with this administration. Is it just me or does it seem that these assholes don't know how to separate their personal lives and their business lives. It's not that hard. I know that Mr. Douchey McFuckstick is a republican and all but he is also the Attorney General, not too political. He just needs to uphold what is already law. Am I wrong? If so please comment and correct my wrongness. Mr. Bush is a christian. That's great, I'm happy for the guy. But you shouldn't really carry that into your business life. He's representing more than just christians. I mean he's gone on the record stating that he believes that Jesus appointed him. Does he really call the supreme court "Jesus"? The late Mr. Vonnegut made a valid point that you could not compare Bush to Hitler because Hitler was elected. This is just a great example of eight years of bad decisions. I'm sure he's got some horrendously bad decisions to come. Wait until he pardons Scooter Libby. Will we ever get these assholes for the many ways that they have fucked up our economy and our country in general. This administration represents rich corporations and organized religion. Since when is Bob Jones University a mandatory campaign stop? Bob Jones University used to hang hobos in the eighties. That was a dark decade for us. The "greed is good" decade.
Sorry again for my incoherent rambling, it'll end soon.

Have a good night and a pleasant tomorrow,

Smarmy

I Thought They Smelled Bad on the Outside...

Greetings Hobos,

I think that I have a problem with people. Not all people, just people who are complete assholes. What is so hard about being a normal human being? Why do people (or just "peeps" from now on) insist on being shits? Peeps gots to have mad respect for me and my hobeys (yes, hobeys. It's like homeys, just for hobos). I'll fuck up a peep. I'll do some time for my hobeys. You gots to slap a hob (a hoe, just a homeless one) for disrespectin' your hobeys. I told you, hoboy, you can't touch this. I'll tell a hob....Yo! Bitch! Da'fuck ya think you're doin'? That's my hobey, Smarmy! Back da'fuck off him, mu'fuckah!
Holy shit! That's the last time I watch Friday Foster before taking a nap.

Falater,
Cleveland

NY Yankees 6, Boston Red Sox 7

Eat it, Bob Ryan. So the rivalry doesn't mean what it did when you had a shade of color to your hair? I'm so tired of old people saying the game isn't as good as the old days - ever since they raised ticket prices to a quarter. Right here, right now. There is no other place I'd want to be.

A Face Like Fresh Tanned Leather.

I just had a piece of cake. It wasn't too good, but it was free. Hell, it even said "eat me" on it. Now I think I shall set it sailing. If anybody has a line on where a fella can find some softer company, let me know. Right now I think I'll find a place to bed down.

Take 'er easy,
Cleveland

Bad Impersonation Of Me?!

The Prank War Goes On! on Vimeo

Watch the video, and they do a series of impersonations and one of which is Smarmy Hobo.
What do you think? Is that a good Smarmy Hobo impersonation? Leave comments.

Smarmy

So I normally check out the blogs of both of these gentlemen, as should you. The links to their sites are to your right. Enjoy!

A Voice From The Past

Call it synchronicity, call it deja vu - the new Marillion album came out this week, and hearing it in the wake of Kurt Vonnegut there's a song that puts it all into perspective...

A voice from the past
Entered my head today
Fresh and alive
Full of life, passion and pain
A voice now past
A beautiful soul, gone

Speaking clearly - clearer than the living
Talking perfect sense
Used to not being understood
While talking perfect sense to the next generation

Have we caught up yet?
Is it time?
I think it is
Enough is enough

A voice from the past
Entered my head today
Tiny child sighed in my ear
Giving up breathing in
Over and out
Over and out
Taken by bad luck and the ill fortune of geography

Common cold, dirty water, HIV
Common apathy, common crime
Perfect nonsense to the next generation

Dead yet alive
Gone but shouting anger
Gone but talking perfect sense

Have we caught up yet?
Is it time? Well I say it is
Deaf and dumbed-down
Enough is enough

Give me a smile. Hold out your hand
I don't want your money
I don't want your land
Give me a smile. Hold out your hand
I don't want your money
I don't want your land
I want you to wake up and do something strange
I want you to listen
I want you to feel someone else's pain

Deaf and dumbed-down

A tap with clean water

-- Steve Hogarth, 2007

God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater

Kurt Vonnegut died yesterday of complications resulting from a fall in his home. The man known to me as Dirty Bunnyguts shaped not only my writing but also my way of viewing the world - the concept of getting unstuck in time was first introduced to me in his novel Slaughterhouse Five. This is at its essence an ability to pull back and view things with a sense of perspective - a deadly, lifesaving and invaluable ability for a teenager to acquire. Because of Dirty Bunnyguts, I and many like me are better people, and I'm sure Kurt is up in heaven now. That's a little joke, Kurt - I'm glad you got to have a little glass of champagne at the end of life. So it goes.

Sail on, Sailor

It is a shame that we meet because of this... My name is Jack Ounces, you may all know my oldest child, Forty Ounces. We meet because at 4:30am on March the 31st, my beloved child died of a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head. We hadn't been on the best of terms for the last several years of his life. He only tried to contact me when he needed money to fuel his drinking habit. I tried for years to get him to seek help, but he was too far gone. He was found in a railway car outside Durham, NC. Guards located his body on a pile of Olde English bottles. On his person, they found a harmonica, a bag of pipe tobacco, a picture of his estranged wife and a suicide note. It reads as follows:

"Dear hobos and fans of ranting everywhere. This is the last hoorah, motherfuckers! The last toast, the last cheers, the last straw. I have lived a failures' life. I have taken the low road when only the high road was offered. I have taken every chance possible to maintain my existence in the most pitiful condition as possible. No one loves a clown! No one loves a drunk! No one loves a bum! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? NOBODY lives in a fucking pineapple under the sea! All that I have ever wanted was love. Not love from others, love from myself, for myself! Seeing as how I can't look in the mirror without shocking myself with all the feelings of hate, I have decided to put in the cork for the last time. I'm having difficulty getting a song out of my head. It's on Paul Simon's Still Crazy After All of These Years. The song is called "I Do it for Your Love." It's the part about the rug. "I found a rug in an old junk shop - I brought it home for you - on the way the colors ran - the orange bled the blue." I think that sums it all up. A lifetime of half-ass good intentions. I'm tired. I don't feel like writing anymore. When you find this, I will be worm food. Find Smarmy and return his .45 to him. Tell him I'm sorry for getting brain on it. I'll miss you all and I'll miss all of the good times I can't remember.

Yours,
40oz."

There will be no service for my son, as he has no one that will attend. As per his wishes, he is to be cremated. His ashes are to be baked in a cake that says "EAT ME" on top. His remains will then be shat out, floating away to the sea.

Sail on, Sailor.

Sincerely,
Jack Ounces

Operation Bite Me

I get the impression President Junior is tapping his feet and looking at his watch, waiting on the Rapture. Russian journalist Andrei Uglanov has reported America is planning an attack on Iran for the first week of April, specifically 4AM April 6, Good Friday, the Muslim Sabbath. The attack, code-named Operation Bite, is scheduled to last 12 hours and will consist of cruise missles launched from various staging areas around the Persian Gulf as well as the Indian Ocean. The targets include uranium enrichment facilities, air defense stations and Iranian warships in the Gulf.

Why are we not hearing about any of this from our own news agencies? Is Russia now the place to turn for objective, investigative journalism? The new land of propaganda is the home of Jessica Lynch and Pat Tillman. Tell two friends, and tell them to tell two friends...

Thank you Mr. Kerry

As long as we're dogging on Warner Bros today, let's keep it going...

I've been criticized a lot in the past for my support of John Kerry. Fine by me... He became my senator in 1983 and consistently fights for causes I support, and one Karl Rove-led smear campaign doesn't change how I feel one bit.

I'm a life-long Red Sox fan who moved to North Carolina in the great Money Magazine Migration of 94 - for about five years nothing made me more homesick than not being able to see my team play except the occasional game against the Orioles, and then I'd have to listen to the inane ramblings of Jim Palmer. Then Time Warner Cable picked up the InDemand package MLB Extra Innings, allowing viewers all over the country, for a hefty fee, to see almost all the games played each night. It's great to know after a hard day's work you can come home and witness the continual unfolding of the artisan tapistry of a baseball season - even if you don't watch every night, to know you can is relaxing.

Now InDemand is working on an exclusive deal with DirectTV so Extra Innings won't be available to cable subscribers. This is disturbing, but what's surprising is how few people it will affect - only 400,000 people subscribed to the service last year, and about half that through cable. Not enough for Major League Baseball to be concerned, and each team will receive about $20 million for the deal.

In steps John Kerry. He voiced concern over the deal to the senate and the FCC, and this week will bring hearings on whether the deal can proceed legally. He probably won't win - when monopolies collide it's always the consumer that suffers. But at least he's once again fighting the good fight. Here's a politician battling something I have no control over, but that will affect my daily life. Isn't that exactly what a politician is supposed to do?

The re-Departed?!

What in the bloody hell is hollywood doing now? They're planning a prequel and a sequel to "The Departed". Why? Has everyone with something original to say been shot and this is the fucking result? I mean why? Scorsese just released the remake, I'm willing to bet that it's better than the original, and it was one of the best films of the past ten years. It was amazing and then now the scavengers are gathering around the film. They've all got forks and knives just salivating on all of the money they can make without actually having to put an original thought on paper. It's all rehashed tripe. I mean why even make movies anymore? Even "Little Miss Sunshine" had a bit of "National Lampoon's Vacation" in it. Finally when Scorsese releases his best film since "Goodfellas" it's jumped up on like fucking carrion. I saw a preview for a new film starring Shia Lebouf, I forget the name but it should just be called "Rear Window 2007". At least Depalma had a masturbating Melanie Griffith in his remake. Damn it.
I've lost faith in the hollywood system. It's all about the money and not at all about the content. I guess we've just got to wait for the cycle to return us to a somewhat auteur led film movement, the 70's for example.
I'm just saying that if Scorsese wanted a fucking franchise he would have been involved in the whole goddamn thing. The real bad guys here are Warner Bros. they're the ones who own the name and all of that other paper worky stuff. They're probably making the teaser trailer as we fucking speak.
Why? Because they can.
To quote "The Departed"

Frank: How's your mother?
Random guy at bar: She's on her way out.
Frank: We all are, act accordingly.

That interaction could be relevant for the 70's auteurs in this day and age. Speilberg's the big exception.

Have a good day and just for my sake, have an original thought.

Smarmy

So help them God

The Senate today authorized subpoenas for Karl Rove to testify about the firing of eight United States attorneys who weren't "good Bushies." There has been some debate on whether or not those deposed will be under oath. They have to be under oath. We all know they're going to lie - there must be some consequence. George Bush wasn't under oath during his State of the Union address when he went before Congress and claimed Iraq was seeking uranium yellow cake from Niger. The only members of this administration we've ever gotten under oath couldn't stop the lies, and now Scooter Libby and Alberto Gonzales are facing the truth.

The Scooter Libby verdict was essentially everyone standing around looking at the footprints of an 800lb gorillia, saying, Yep, those are footprints, all right. No, Iraq did not have WMDs. When Joe Wilson presented evidence of this to the American people, Dick Cheney committed treason, a capital offense, by declaring Wilson's wife "fair game," and outing her status as an undercover CIA agent. When George Bush was asked for proof, he said he would not wait for a "smoking gun that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud."

So now many thousands of people have died - more Americans than died on 9/11, and literally countless Iraqis, while the people who attacked us were Saudi, and bin Laden still roams free. It is an unnecessary war of aggression, built on lies. Now the liars are being called to account - only under oath can justice be done.

Night Train and Other Removers of Paint

What a terrible thing... A wine that has never even seen a grape. Thunderbird, MD 20/20, Ripple, Wild Irish Rose and last but certainly not least, Night Train. I think I've seen this stuff in chemistry sets. I'm sure that it is mostly rubbing alcohol with a little "citrus" flavor. If it is very cold and you are very drunk, it's alright. If it's your first drink of the night, be prepared to wince after every rotten sip. I suggest that you throw it into a bucket of ice, wait an hour and power-chug this bad boy. It leaves that good burning at the back of your throat like heartburn that's about to go haywire. God forbid you get the hiccups. You could barf yourself to death. I say you should skip the train and take a ride on the bull... Or a colt. Whatever. Barley forever, ethanol never! Keep Ireland drunk!

I'm a Six-Six-Six-pack of love,

40oz.

Forgotten Sons

Everyone is always saluting our brave soldiers in Iraq. Well it's time we gave a cheer to our neglected heroes, the chicken soldiers. I mean, not all of them can be brave, right? Statistically, one or two of them have to be chicken. They deserve our thanks as well. Even more so, cos they're chicken and yet there they are. So let's get behind the fobbit - wait, that's not possible. Well cheers anyway...

U.S. Government Still Has It's Head Up It's Ass

I was just sitting around wondering what to write about. It's been weeks since my last post and I'm worried about my readers. What will they do without my input.
So, I'm sitting there reading the news when a little article pops out at me. It's about Darfur and how the government, our government, the U.S. government says that the worst human rights violations are going on there. What the fuck. The government says this and then sits back and sighs and says, "Thank God we didn't start that one." Because also on the list are Afghanistan and Iraq. A collective "You're Welcome" from the US of A. How can the most powerful country in the world look on as genocide is going on? We did it before in the gay 90's and Clinton has gone on the record saying that every day he regrets that we didn't do anything in Rwanda. Do we really want to stand by as people are getting raped and slaughtered. That's right, rape, what in the hell is going on over there?
Here's a link to the article, they're much smarter than this little hobo and much more eloquent than I'll ever be.

Voice Of America Article In Question

I'm sorry I'm a bit pissed off today and this thing just set me off. How can...Forget it.

We as a country need to get off of our collective ass and do something globally. At least think globally. I'm ashamed of myself when I read something like this. What are we doing? We just publish a fucking report and then expect the country to forget it. American Idol gets more coverage than a goddamn genocide.

Fuck this noise.

Smarmy

Upside, "Scooter" Libby found guilty. Hooray for the judicial system.

A Little Fine Dining

Well everyone, I'll bet you didn't know that I was a great cook, did you? I am. Believe me. It turns out that I have a famous great-aunt. You may all know her as Julia Childs, but back at the ol' Ounces family shack we call her great-auntie Julia. That's right, she was born an Ounces. She married that Childs guy for his money. It was all she could do to keep herself in booze. After all, she is family.
This is a favorite recipe that she and I created when I was just a kid. It's called "The Hobo Special."

You'll need: One can Vienna Sausage, one package of saltine crackers (not the big box, just a small one, or one quarter of a big box) and a single Chicken flavor Cup o' noodles.
Start by putting some water on the boil. Damn boiling! Takes so long! That's why you have the Vienna Sausage. Open the can and drain that nasty smelling juice somewhere far away from you. Open the pack of crackers. Take a bite of a cracker and then a bite of Vienna Sausage. Chew. It sounds disgusting, but it actually quite a good combination. Repeat as desired until water boils.
Prepare the Cup o' noodles as per the directions on the package. While waiting for them to be done, continue with the Vienna Sausage and Cracker thing. When the noodles are done, take a FORK (not a spoon) and eat all of the noodles out of the chickeny flavored hot broth. When you have finished all of the noodles, take all of your remaining crackers and smash them up into the broth. I know it seems like they all wont fit, but they will, just keep smashing them down. If you've saved enough crackers for this step, you will have a soggy paste. Take a spoon and enjoy this warm, salty, chickeny sludge. I know it sounds disgusting, but it's actually fantastic. It's like great-aunt Julia always used to say, "I'll bet you thought pussy was gross before you ate it, didn't you?"

That's good eatin'!

40oz.

The Real McCain

Oh, John McCain, you maverick. Announcing your intention to run for president in 2008 on David Letterman's show, or at least announcing you were going to announce it. Yeah, I laughed when I heard it, but really it was Paul Schaeffer had the best line, saying the official announcement was gonna be on Leno. I was a big supporter of McCain in the 2000 primaries - I bought into his portrayal of himself as a straight talker, I respect his service in the military, and admire his courage as a prisoner of war in Vietnam. I heard Bush saying things during that primary like "We're gonna make America stronger" - I thought, there's no way a bumbling, empty-headed goof like Bush would beat out a man of such substance for the nomination. Who knows, maybe he didn't.

But Bush became the nominee, and McCain did an immediate flip-flop, throwing his full support behind his party's candidate - I justified it in my own mind, thinking he's got to toe the line for his future campaigns. So much for the straight talk... Then next thing I know he's hugging Bush, saying Pat Robertson isn't so bad, speaking out against gay marriage, calling for troop escalations in Iraq. Well, I almost agree with him on that last point - but the time for a heavy presence was four years ago, not now. And if he beats out Rudy for the nomination this time around, he'll lose the general election because of it.

So you may have heard of a guy Robert Greenwald, he's the mouthpiece for the radical leftist website MoveOn.org. Like most of you I rebel against those hard to either side, but if you can look past the extremist sniper rhetoric he does have some good facts. And so I'd encourage you to check out his website documenting McCain's flip-flops, The Real McCain.com. I imagine the McCain campaign will again present an image of him speaking truth to power, but don't be fooled by yet another rich old white man. The Straight Talk Express derailed years ago.

Om-alaguenia

Wasn't that the name of the fictional holiday from Biloxi Blues? You know, the one for Mexican Jews? I think that was it. Either way, the exodus is now complete (I prefer to spell it "c-o-m-p-l-e-a-t" like the British do, but the damned spell check wont let me.) and after about 30 hours of being awake, I'm ready to die. I have made my peace and all I want to do is nothing. I just want to be still and quiet.
I'd like to be able to post something more interesting, but I'm crapped out. I've had enough, I'm moving out... To the city, the big, big city. I'll be a big noise with all the big boys. So much stuff I will own! I'll pray to a big god as I kneel in a big church. BIG TIME! I'm on my way out making it big time!

Thank you Mr. Gabriel, you funky funky British monkey!

40oz.

A Little Fine Theatre.

Today I'd like to act out a scene from the James Melkonian classic, The Stoned Age. This particular scene is in the last act. The dialog is between our hero Joe, and our little misunderstood toady, Tack. Both parts will be played by 40oz.

Joe and Tack are fighting, rolling around a Torrence Beach front yard. Joe uses a double-fist punch to pound Tacks nards before pinning him to the ground...

Joe - "Hey, Tack, man... What the fuck happened to you, man? You used to be cool!"
Tack - "Fine chicks wont even talk to me... They all think I'm gross. Ya think any chick is gonna wanna talk to a crater-face?!
Joe - "Well, maybe you could meet a chick with an acne problem too. You know? Maybe then you'd have something in common."
Tack - "FUCK THAT SHIT!! I want FINE chicks!"

Joe pounds Tacks nards again before dashing to safety inside the house. Before he can make it inside, an Ox 45 tallboy strikes him on the back of the head, propelling him forward. As he hits the floor, the door slams shut. He is safe.... For now!

Stay tuned for the next installment of James Melkonians, The Stoned Age!

40oz.

You Think That You've Defeated Me?!

I'm out of the picture for a while and Smarmy gets delusions of greatness. Well, here on the ol' Country Ham Express, we just got temporarily derailed in a dry county for the month of January. So, clink-clink, have a drink. I have so much to think about... Don't snore, have some more, I need the time to type it out!
I have to wonder about things sometimes. Are people really as stupid as I think they are? I believe the answer is "yes." "Sir, I want those cigars." says the dull man as he points like an idiot. "Which ones?" responds the 40oz. "Those right there!" he says again as his stubby little finger juts forward at a wall of over 30 different cigars. "You'll have to be more specific, sir, there's a lot of cigars here." says 40. The dipshit asshole does the Napoleon Dynamite sigh, "Ghhhod!" "Those right there! The ones right there... What's your problem!" 40oz. is stunned. The man shouts, "Those on the second shelf, third from the right!" 40oz. is relieved and he reaches for those very specifically pointed out cigars. As his hand touches them, the dumbass sighs again, "No, ghhhod! Can't you count?! I said third from the right!" 40oz. is truly confused now. Had the meaning of the word "right" changed since he had last used it? Was his brain beginning to rot dealing with the stupid people? On a hunch, he moved his hand to the third cigar from the left just to see if that would work. The dumb fucks eyes light up, "Yes, those cigars. Jeez, why do they hire such stupid people here?" 40oz. replies with a simple, "I dunno." I know, I know you want to rip their stupid dumbass faces off, but a paycheck is a very important thing. I think it was Thom Yorke that said "When I am king you will be first against the wall." Wouldn't it be nice?

The Peace and the Grease,
40oz.

Clapton IS GOD!!

Here you go, just enjoy and appreciate.

Long Time No See

Hey loyal readers, how is everybody doing? It's been about a month since my last post and have gotten off of my ass to post again.
It's been a rough month. I have come out of hibernation, you non-hobos didn't know that we hibernate during the winter months. I noticed that there are already a plethora of democratic candidates for president and the election is over a year away. That's a lot of politicking. A few of my friends have come out and said that Al Gore should run again. Me, I hope that he does not. Don't get me wrong I really like the guy but that's the reason for my reasoning. You see he was in a little documentary called "An Inconvenient Truth", I really enjoyed it, and if he were to run for president in 2008 then everything he did in that little documentary would be automatically put under campaigning. I would like to believe that it was heart felt and had nothing to do with his political career.
I don't know. I'm usually full of shit so take everything I write with a grain of salt. Oh and I'm also hopped up on meth. Two things that usually invalidate an opinion. But I have a blog and therefore I can type whatever I want.
Take that whoever disagrees with me.
Another thing, I'm beginning to feel like the meth addled version of Andy Rooney, maybe Andy Rooney is meth addled and I just don't know about it. If you know Andy Rooney and know if he's as much of a meth fan as I am then leave a comment. It would be greatly appreciated, it's just something I would like to know.

Have a good easter.

Smarmy

The Case for Kicking

I have become cold again, and insensible; nothing is left but a senile love for unbroken calm . . .

Eh, it's not that bad. And thanks to Dan Shaughnessy of the Boston Globe for pointing out the relevance of Kafka in the wake of the Colts 38-34 win over my beloved New England Patriots. But there's one thing that's been burnin my butter for a few years now, and to see it contribute to our loss last Sunday, well I can keep silent no more.

The winner of the coin toss to open the game can choose to kick or receive - whatever is decided is reversed to start the second half. Therefore you must elect to kick to start the game. It has long been standard practice to receive - the reasoning is to get the ball first, score first, and set the tone for the rest of the game. Of course, statistically, you're not going to score on that opening drive. I don't have the statistics, but I'll bet if I did I'd be proven right. This is what the Patriots did last Sunday, and they went six and out and punted. Then the Colts ended the first half with a long scoring drive, received to start the second half and went on another long scoring drive. The Pats went three and out, and the Colts went on another long scoring drive, and the Pats defense was exhausted for the rest of the game. It is my contention that if the Patriots had elected to kick to start the game, the defense would have had that much longer to rest after halftime, and perhaps would have held a little stronger in that devastating third quarter.

But that's just one game. There are so many other reasons to kick as a general strategy: First of all, the second half is the most important of the two, obviously. You've felt out the other team and made your halftime adjustments - that's the time to receive the ball. And especially if the strength of your team is its defense - you send the other team three and out on its first drive, then get the ball with probably better field position than you would have had on a kickoff return, plus you get the ball to open the second half. This is true even more in a home game - the crowd is pumped during the player introductions, but if they're smart they quiet down when the home team goes on offense to make audibles easier. Electing to kick keeps your crowd at full roar for the visitors' opening drive - this is what can truly set the tone for the game.

I can't be the first one to consider these points - surely our genius coach Bill Belichick has carefully measured all the factors and determined his strategy - I know he doesn't need to hear from me. But Richard Seymour's cell number is 401-464-1194, maybe I'll give him a call...

Living With the Big Lie

...the clash of religion and the loaded prayers
information the face of starvation and the state of the nation...

Yep just wanted to start this entry with a little Marillion - that would be from the album Brave, you should all buy it. But that's not what I came here to talk to you about... President Junior will be giving his State of the Union address tonight, undoubtedly trying to bolster his case for escalation in Iraq. Of course, he is still the executive branch, and the legislative branch can't directly steer policy. With the nation in this state, the only course of action available is to cut funding, but anyone who supports this will, of course, be accused of not supporting our troops.

So let's take a moment to step back from Karl Rove and reflect on what it means to "support our troops." One, and this is a big one, you only send them into harm's way when it is absolutely necessary. Yep, that's a basic right there. Two, when you do send them, you don't play politics and compromise numbers like Lyndon Johnson, you send enough to do the job. And three, you send them with the armor and ammunition necessary to bring as many back home as possible.

Well, we're there now, no going back on that. The current escalation of 21,000 is a political number - the public wants out, John McCain wants to send 50,000, we'll split the difference. Unfortunately, if congress votes to cut funding, these troops won't stay home, they'll just have to go without armor.

I really have a sickening sort of admiration for how well Rove does his job. I've known John Kerry over twenty years, he became my senator in 1983, and in the few months of a campaign Rove created the image of a flip-flopper. John Kerry is a good man, a veteran and a man of principle. He's never been very good at sound bites - he deals in the nuances of the real world rather than the black and white of the evildoers. It's an intelligent person who can adapt to a changing situation - when we find we've been living with the big lie, stupidity stays the course. Will Rove be turned loose on the 2008 Democrat nominee? What could he do if he were turned loose on me? I have no idea what I did with my merit badges from Boy Scouts. Maybe I threw them over the fence onto the White House lawn. To protest Lionel Richie leaving the Commodores.