Christmas and Beer: The Way It Was Meant To Be

First of all let me apologize for my absence, I have been busy riding the rails and being the smarmiest of hobos. Which is a job in and of itself. What have you missed? What have I not said about Christmas? I realize that I have not said anything about Christmas and lo and behold I have forced myself to write the very first Smarmy Hobo Christmas Special Blog Entry. Next year I plan to have it televised, me sitting in front of a computer writing and smoking. But here goes:

Merry Christmas, how do I do this? Ok...here goes nothing. What do I think about Christmas? I'm sure that you've been asking yourself lately, "What does good 'ol smarmy think of this blood soaked holiday that we, nice Jesus loving people, call Christmas?" Well you've called and I've answered. First of all I refer to this holiday as "blood soaked" because of the great hobo massacre of '25. We hobos do not celebrate this holiday the way you non-hobos, that's right we call you folk non-hobos, do, we hide away and stay out of sight. In December of 1825 it was a hobo paradise. The rails were not what they are today. They were non-existent. But it was our utopia still. We were basically the true settlers because we would really settle for anything.
Hobos were still working on the trans-continental railroad, which was helped along by our two hobo surveyors "Boxcutter" Lewis & "Tireiron" Clark. The man in charge of the implementation of our railroad was "Mojo" Craig, he was just a few years away from his dream coming to fruition. He was sitting on a milk crate hunched over a broken cardtable covered in his notes, when a man came from behind him and shot him, "Mojo" was killed instantly. Credit was never given to "Mojo" for his hobo carrier, or train idea. That day was December 25th, the day that will live in infamy. Side note, Charlie Chaplin's tramp character is based on "Mojo", that is why to us hobos, Mister Chaplin is held in very high regard.

Now you people may be saying to yourselves, "Why did smarmy go and title this post Christmas and Beer? When all he has mentioned so far is the sadness that is the hobo massacre."
Well first of all stop asking so many goddamn questions and secondly because my favorite beer, Bell's, just came to town. I reccomend it to everyone.

Happy halloween everyone.

Smarmy

Heil Honey I'm Home

Potentially anti-semetic and potentially fucking funny! Here's part one of the pilot, part two will be posted shortly. Enjoy

Lord Love The Dutch

I just recently came across this website Give us back New York about the Dutch wanting to take back New York and bringing back it's original name of New Amsterdam. Recently I have been coming to terms with my inner Netherlander. I am part Dutch and up until recently I was ashamed of my Dutchiness. Now I see this site dedicated to taking back New York, and I am a little happy that the Dutch have a voice in this day and age. We are a tulip and peace loving people. Famous Dutch peace proponents have been many, in particular there's Anne Frank. She was Dutch and that is exactly why Hitler was after her. He had a problem with the Dutch because of their peace loving ways and the fact that he couldn't get a good price on tulips. That asshole. The Dutch have done many many things for this world and I believe that they could take our present New York and make it the utopian society that is the Netherlands.
Contrary to popular belief Anne Frank is not the only Netherlander to make their mark on the world, it turns out that M.C. Escher is from there, Vincent Van Gogh and Rembrandt were both from the Netherlands. Other notable Dutch folk are Eddie Van Halen, "Emmanuelle" star Sylvia Kristel, the Director of the smash hit "Speed" Jan de Bont, and apparently quite a few notable "porn" actresses like, Teri Summers, Zara Whites, Deidre Holland and Bobbi Eden. I had no idea that the Netherlands was such a sexually lax society. I thought that they would be like the Pennsylvania Dutch, who are conservative and quite religious. But these Dutch people who actually live in the Motherland are very liberal, they have hash bars for Christ sakes. What's wrong with these people.
WWGWBD? He would invade the land and stop poor children from sticking their fingers in dikes. Then rape the land for oil, but that's just speculation. Hell it's a hurricane prone land that is occupied by mostly white people, he might actually give a damn if it's flooded. Don't know for sure.

Sorry for the semi-coherent rambling.

Smarmy