Sail on, Sailor

It is a shame that we meet because of this... My name is Jack Ounces, you may all know my oldest child, Forty Ounces. We meet because at 4:30am on March the 31st, my beloved child died of a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head. We hadn't been on the best of terms for the last several years of his life. He only tried to contact me when he needed money to fuel his drinking habit. I tried for years to get him to seek help, but he was too far gone. He was found in a railway car outside Durham, NC. Guards located his body on a pile of Olde English bottles. On his person, they found a harmonica, a bag of pipe tobacco, a picture of his estranged wife and a suicide note. It reads as follows:

"Dear hobos and fans of ranting everywhere. This is the last hoorah, motherfuckers! The last toast, the last cheers, the last straw. I have lived a failures' life. I have taken the low road when only the high road was offered. I have taken every chance possible to maintain my existence in the most pitiful condition as possible. No one loves a clown! No one loves a drunk! No one loves a bum! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? NOBODY lives in a fucking pineapple under the sea! All that I have ever wanted was love. Not love from others, love from myself, for myself! Seeing as how I can't look in the mirror without shocking myself with all the feelings of hate, I have decided to put in the cork for the last time. I'm having difficulty getting a song out of my head. It's on Paul Simon's Still Crazy After All of These Years. The song is called "I Do it for Your Love." It's the part about the rug. "I found a rug in an old junk shop - I brought it home for you - on the way the colors ran - the orange bled the blue." I think that sums it all up. A lifetime of half-ass good intentions. I'm tired. I don't feel like writing anymore. When you find this, I will be worm food. Find Smarmy and return his .45 to him. Tell him I'm sorry for getting brain on it. I'll miss you all and I'll miss all of the good times I can't remember.

Yours,
40oz."

There will be no service for my son, as he has no one that will attend. As per his wishes, he is to be cremated. His ashes are to be baked in a cake that says "EAT ME" on top. His remains will then be shat out, floating away to the sea.

Sail on, Sailor.

Sincerely,
Jack Ounces

Operation Bite Me

I get the impression President Junior is tapping his feet and looking at his watch, waiting on the Rapture. Russian journalist Andrei Uglanov has reported America is planning an attack on Iran for the first week of April, specifically 4AM April 6, Good Friday, the Muslim Sabbath. The attack, code-named Operation Bite, is scheduled to last 12 hours and will consist of cruise missles launched from various staging areas around the Persian Gulf as well as the Indian Ocean. The targets include uranium enrichment facilities, air defense stations and Iranian warships in the Gulf.

Why are we not hearing about any of this from our own news agencies? Is Russia now the place to turn for objective, investigative journalism? The new land of propaganda is the home of Jessica Lynch and Pat Tillman. Tell two friends, and tell them to tell two friends...

Thank you Mr. Kerry

As long as we're dogging on Warner Bros today, let's keep it going...

I've been criticized a lot in the past for my support of John Kerry. Fine by me... He became my senator in 1983 and consistently fights for causes I support, and one Karl Rove-led smear campaign doesn't change how I feel one bit.

I'm a life-long Red Sox fan who moved to North Carolina in the great Money Magazine Migration of 94 - for about five years nothing made me more homesick than not being able to see my team play except the occasional game against the Orioles, and then I'd have to listen to the inane ramblings of Jim Palmer. Then Time Warner Cable picked up the InDemand package MLB Extra Innings, allowing viewers all over the country, for a hefty fee, to see almost all the games played each night. It's great to know after a hard day's work you can come home and witness the continual unfolding of the artisan tapistry of a baseball season - even if you don't watch every night, to know you can is relaxing.

Now InDemand is working on an exclusive deal with DirectTV so Extra Innings won't be available to cable subscribers. This is disturbing, but what's surprising is how few people it will affect - only 400,000 people subscribed to the service last year, and about half that through cable. Not enough for Major League Baseball to be concerned, and each team will receive about $20 million for the deal.

In steps John Kerry. He voiced concern over the deal to the senate and the FCC, and this week will bring hearings on whether the deal can proceed legally. He probably won't win - when monopolies collide it's always the consumer that suffers. But at least he's once again fighting the good fight. Here's a politician battling something I have no control over, but that will affect my daily life. Isn't that exactly what a politician is supposed to do?

The re-Departed?!

What in the bloody hell is hollywood doing now? They're planning a prequel and a sequel to "The Departed". Why? Has everyone with something original to say been shot and this is the fucking result? I mean why? Scorsese just released the remake, I'm willing to bet that it's better than the original, and it was one of the best films of the past ten years. It was amazing and then now the scavengers are gathering around the film. They've all got forks and knives just salivating on all of the money they can make without actually having to put an original thought on paper. It's all rehashed tripe. I mean why even make movies anymore? Even "Little Miss Sunshine" had a bit of "National Lampoon's Vacation" in it. Finally when Scorsese releases his best film since "Goodfellas" it's jumped up on like fucking carrion. I saw a preview for a new film starring Shia Lebouf, I forget the name but it should just be called "Rear Window 2007". At least Depalma had a masturbating Melanie Griffith in his remake. Damn it.
I've lost faith in the hollywood system. It's all about the money and not at all about the content. I guess we've just got to wait for the cycle to return us to a somewhat auteur led film movement, the 70's for example.
I'm just saying that if Scorsese wanted a fucking franchise he would have been involved in the whole goddamn thing. The real bad guys here are Warner Bros. they're the ones who own the name and all of that other paper worky stuff. They're probably making the teaser trailer as we fucking speak.
Why? Because they can.
To quote "The Departed"

Frank: How's your mother?
Random guy at bar: She's on her way out.
Frank: We all are, act accordingly.

That interaction could be relevant for the 70's auteurs in this day and age. Speilberg's the big exception.

Have a good day and just for my sake, have an original thought.

Smarmy

So help them God

The Senate today authorized subpoenas for Karl Rove to testify about the firing of eight United States attorneys who weren't "good Bushies." There has been some debate on whether or not those deposed will be under oath. They have to be under oath. We all know they're going to lie - there must be some consequence. George Bush wasn't under oath during his State of the Union address when he went before Congress and claimed Iraq was seeking uranium yellow cake from Niger. The only members of this administration we've ever gotten under oath couldn't stop the lies, and now Scooter Libby and Alberto Gonzales are facing the truth.

The Scooter Libby verdict was essentially everyone standing around looking at the footprints of an 800lb gorillia, saying, Yep, those are footprints, all right. No, Iraq did not have WMDs. When Joe Wilson presented evidence of this to the American people, Dick Cheney committed treason, a capital offense, by declaring Wilson's wife "fair game," and outing her status as an undercover CIA agent. When George Bush was asked for proof, he said he would not wait for a "smoking gun that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud."

So now many thousands of people have died - more Americans than died on 9/11, and literally countless Iraqis, while the people who attacked us were Saudi, and bin Laden still roams free. It is an unnecessary war of aggression, built on lies. Now the liars are being called to account - only under oath can justice be done.

Night Train and Other Removers of Paint

What a terrible thing... A wine that has never even seen a grape. Thunderbird, MD 20/20, Ripple, Wild Irish Rose and last but certainly not least, Night Train. I think I've seen this stuff in chemistry sets. I'm sure that it is mostly rubbing alcohol with a little "citrus" flavor. If it is very cold and you are very drunk, it's alright. If it's your first drink of the night, be prepared to wince after every rotten sip. I suggest that you throw it into a bucket of ice, wait an hour and power-chug this bad boy. It leaves that good burning at the back of your throat like heartburn that's about to go haywire. God forbid you get the hiccups. You could barf yourself to death. I say you should skip the train and take a ride on the bull... Or a colt. Whatever. Barley forever, ethanol never! Keep Ireland drunk!

I'm a Six-Six-Six-pack of love,

40oz.

Forgotten Sons

Everyone is always saluting our brave soldiers in Iraq. Well it's time we gave a cheer to our neglected heroes, the chicken soldiers. I mean, not all of them can be brave, right? Statistically, one or two of them have to be chicken. They deserve our thanks as well. Even more so, cos they're chicken and yet there they are. So let's get behind the fobbit - wait, that's not possible. Well cheers anyway...

U.S. Government Still Has It's Head Up It's Ass

I was just sitting around wondering what to write about. It's been weeks since my last post and I'm worried about my readers. What will they do without my input.
So, I'm sitting there reading the news when a little article pops out at me. It's about Darfur and how the government, our government, the U.S. government says that the worst human rights violations are going on there. What the fuck. The government says this and then sits back and sighs and says, "Thank God we didn't start that one." Because also on the list are Afghanistan and Iraq. A collective "You're Welcome" from the US of A. How can the most powerful country in the world look on as genocide is going on? We did it before in the gay 90's and Clinton has gone on the record saying that every day he regrets that we didn't do anything in Rwanda. Do we really want to stand by as people are getting raped and slaughtered. That's right, rape, what in the hell is going on over there?
Here's a link to the article, they're much smarter than this little hobo and much more eloquent than I'll ever be.

Voice Of America Article In Question

I'm sorry I'm a bit pissed off today and this thing just set me off. How can...Forget it.

We as a country need to get off of our collective ass and do something globally. At least think globally. I'm ashamed of myself when I read something like this. What are we doing? We just publish a fucking report and then expect the country to forget it. American Idol gets more coverage than a goddamn genocide.

Fuck this noise.

Smarmy

Upside, "Scooter" Libby found guilty. Hooray for the judicial system.

A Little Fine Dining

Well everyone, I'll bet you didn't know that I was a great cook, did you? I am. Believe me. It turns out that I have a famous great-aunt. You may all know her as Julia Childs, but back at the ol' Ounces family shack we call her great-auntie Julia. That's right, she was born an Ounces. She married that Childs guy for his money. It was all she could do to keep herself in booze. After all, she is family.
This is a favorite recipe that she and I created when I was just a kid. It's called "The Hobo Special."

You'll need: One can Vienna Sausage, one package of saltine crackers (not the big box, just a small one, or one quarter of a big box) and a single Chicken flavor Cup o' noodles.
Start by putting some water on the boil. Damn boiling! Takes so long! That's why you have the Vienna Sausage. Open the can and drain that nasty smelling juice somewhere far away from you. Open the pack of crackers. Take a bite of a cracker and then a bite of Vienna Sausage. Chew. It sounds disgusting, but it actually quite a good combination. Repeat as desired until water boils.
Prepare the Cup o' noodles as per the directions on the package. While waiting for them to be done, continue with the Vienna Sausage and Cracker thing. When the noodles are done, take a FORK (not a spoon) and eat all of the noodles out of the chickeny flavored hot broth. When you have finished all of the noodles, take all of your remaining crackers and smash them up into the broth. I know it seems like they all wont fit, but they will, just keep smashing them down. If you've saved enough crackers for this step, you will have a soggy paste. Take a spoon and enjoy this warm, salty, chickeny sludge. I know it sounds disgusting, but it's actually fantastic. It's like great-aunt Julia always used to say, "I'll bet you thought pussy was gross before you ate it, didn't you?"

That's good eatin'!

40oz.

The Real McCain

Oh, John McCain, you maverick. Announcing your intention to run for president in 2008 on David Letterman's show, or at least announcing you were going to announce it. Yeah, I laughed when I heard it, but really it was Paul Schaeffer had the best line, saying the official announcement was gonna be on Leno. I was a big supporter of McCain in the 2000 primaries - I bought into his portrayal of himself as a straight talker, I respect his service in the military, and admire his courage as a prisoner of war in Vietnam. I heard Bush saying things during that primary like "We're gonna make America stronger" - I thought, there's no way a bumbling, empty-headed goof like Bush would beat out a man of such substance for the nomination. Who knows, maybe he didn't.

But Bush became the nominee, and McCain did an immediate flip-flop, throwing his full support behind his party's candidate - I justified it in my own mind, thinking he's got to toe the line for his future campaigns. So much for the straight talk... Then next thing I know he's hugging Bush, saying Pat Robertson isn't so bad, speaking out against gay marriage, calling for troop escalations in Iraq. Well, I almost agree with him on that last point - but the time for a heavy presence was four years ago, not now. And if he beats out Rudy for the nomination this time around, he'll lose the general election because of it.

So you may have heard of a guy Robert Greenwald, he's the mouthpiece for the radical leftist website MoveOn.org. Like most of you I rebel against those hard to either side, but if you can look past the extremist sniper rhetoric he does have some good facts. And so I'd encourage you to check out his website documenting McCain's flip-flops, The Real McCain.com. I imagine the McCain campaign will again present an image of him speaking truth to power, but don't be fooled by yet another rich old white man. The Straight Talk Express derailed years ago.