The Same Old Fascism

Donald Rumsfeld is truly an amazing man. How could someone have his head so far up his ass and still not bump into walls? In a speech to the American Legion in Salt Lake City today, he accused critics of America's invasion of Iraq and counterterrorism policies of suffering from "moral or intellectual confusion."

Wait, don't choke yet when you hear this war criminal speak of moral confusion. He draws a parellel between the appeasement of Hitler in the 30's with opposing his and Dick Cheny's war of aggression, and says "Once again we face similar challenges in efforts to confront the rising threat of a new type of fascism."

Well I thought about signing statements, Valerie Plame, Haliburton, the war in Iraq and this administration's lack of interest in the victims of Katrina. I thought how people often misuse the word "fascist" - it might be helpful to include a definition here, this from
Dictionary.com:

fascism [fash-iz-uhm] –noun
1. (sometimes initial capital letter) a governmental system led by a dictator having complete power, forcibly suppressing opposition and criticism, regimenting all industry, commerce, etc., and emphasizing an aggressive nationalism and often racism.

There's nothing new about this fascism. Rumsfeld is just so mind-bogglingly hypocritical he can't recognize the fascists are himself and his fellow future indictees.

Damn Terrorist Supportin' Judges

Apparently it's unconstitutional for the government to love us enough to take away our civil liberties. At least that's what a federal judge says about the government's wire tapping of international phone calls. I say that the President just loves us too much to let us talk to anyone overseas without his knowing about it and knowing what is said. America is a battered wife to Mr. Bush. We're going to leave him, and hopefully his ideals, in 2008 and until then we're trying to take the kids away to our sister's house (Canada).
Up until this administration I had this optimistic outlook for America, we were moving in a socialist direction. Ever since Roosevelt we were headed towards a better America and then this guy, and his ultra-conservative buddies, decide that America needs to be the next British Empire spreading our seed all over the world, sort of like a domino theory of fun. Which is funny because the judge presiding over the case with the NSA and the wiretapping thingy wrote:

"There are no hereditary Kings in America and no powers not created by the Constitution. So all inherent powers' must derive from that Constitution."

So we all know that Bush doesn't give a good goddamn about the constitution and that he would appoint a relative in a heartbeat, Jeb Bush, to continue the Bush Doctrine further into the 21st century.

So in closing, the sun will not set on the American Empire and we'll invade you and instigate a civil war if you disagree with us.

Here is the Washington Post Article about the judge's ruling.

No matter what the verdict is we're probably going to, as a country, get fucked. Enjoy.

Dennis Leary, Lenny Clark and the Jewish First Baseman

Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy are the announcers on the New England Sports Network (NESN) - they're a hoot every night, but Tuesday they were joined in the booth by Dennis Leary and Lenny Clark. Here's a transcript by Seth Mnookin:

NESN Transcript

Funny and Topical Cartoon

I know that the previous post was not funny and I was hoping to make it up to everyone that reads this blog. So if this is your first introduction to Tom the Dancing Bug check it out for yourself.

Tom the Dancing Bug for this week

Enjoy

Apparently Reality Isn't That Real

So, I was listening to NPR and they were reporting a story about how the writers for the UPN reality show "America's Next Top Model" are on strike. They go on to explain that the writers basically craft the show from all of the footage. Wouldn't they be editors then? Just because they form a "plot" doesn't mean that they are writers. They're doing exactly what editors do, form a cohesive story out of a bunch of footage. The "writers" of this show want to join the WGA and be represented by them, so they've gone on strike. What in the hell, isn't there an editors' union? So now all of these supposed writers from all of these reality shows possibly could seek union representation and possibly go on strike to do so. The whole point that all of these reality shows sprung up in the first place was a WGA strike that made it financially necessary. What could be the next wave of horribly crafted shit if the reality show writers all go on strike? I have no idea, I wish I could speculate about the outcome but I cannot think of what could come next. Could it be real reality programming? I don't know. Oh how I wish I knew because then I would know who to stop. What is wrong with this world when writers that don't write want to join a union for writers. Mind you, the union really wants to get these non-writers into their union. I guess they just really need the dues.

I'm sorry if this post is a little convoluted but I'm in a haze here wondering why.

Listen to the NPR story here

Smarmy

Oh yeah and uhh, one more thing...

Speaking of cats, check out this website:

Cats That Look Like Hitler

Sites like this are the reason Al Gore invented the Internet.

The Cat and the Umpire

Whelp, tonight, which would be Wednesday August 16, 2006, in Fenway Park, when the Red Sox and Tigers meet, history will be made behind the plate. No, not the catcher, behind him - Bruce Froemming will umpire his 5000th game, second place all-time. Cheers to Bruce, but when I hear that kinda thing, I want to know who's first place. Whelp, that would be ole Bill Klem at 5374, and that gives us a perfect chance to discuss quantum physics.

So an object exists in a particular state at a certain point in space and time. Or does it? Well, the probability that it does can be measured as a wave function, best accomplished over a hot cup of tea with Mos Def. This theory was first proposed by a cat named Erwin Schrodinger, who took it a step further - that you can never really know the state of an object until it is observed. Before it is observed or a measurement made, the object can be in one of a variety of states - in fact in a nether state, or the sum of all possible states as expressed by Schrodinger's wave function.

To illustrate this point people often use the example of a cat in a box. Schrodinger's original example box also had in it uranium and a shotgun, but we'll simplify it and leave it as a cat, which is either dead or alive. So what is the state of the cat before we open the box and look inside? Well, the only thing we can say for sure is this - the cat is in a state described by a wave function that equals the sum of a live cat and a dead cat.

This confuses many people, and in fact Schrodinger himself only invented the example to show how ludicrious his theory was. But this was in the 1920's, before LSD made his theory comprehensible. I myself prefer to use the example of good ole Bill Klem, who was in the prime of his umpiring years when Schrodinger was scrambling around for examples. See, when you would ask Klem if a pitch was a ball or a strike, he would say "It ain't nothing till I say what it is."

Ah finally, quantum theory even a Texas education can understand - that a pitch is recorded as a ball or a strike depending on the observation of the umpire. In the moment where everything is still, the catcher frames the ball, the pitcher glares in, the batter holds his wrists steady - in that moment the pitch is in a state that is neither and both ball or strike, the sum of all possible outcomes.

So next time you're watching a baseball game, take special enjoyment out of that little moment before the ump makes his call - you're experiencing the essence of quantum physics. A little LSD helps.

Cracked Magazine is back and it looks like they're trying to be a Maxim clone, they do have a great spoof of Fox News, if Fox News was around during the American revolution:

Cracked takes on Fox News

Enjoy

Things I Could Do...But Won't

- Give a damn.

- Give money to help save that poor kid in India.



- Recycle

- Observe the posted speed limit.

- Listen to your interesting story about blah blah blah.

- Hope that you get better.

- Quit smoking

- Donate to PBS

- Get those motherfucking snakes off that motherfucking plane.

Smarmy

George Bush = El Nino

Hello hello hello - here's a quick and by no means comprehensive list of things we can blame on George Bush:

His pre-emptive strike policy has emboldened hawks around the world and led to Israel's invasion of Lebanon.

His policy of cronyism in federal appointments led to the failure of FEMA after Katrina and the deaths of hundreds of citizens.

His and his father's family oil business contributed to global warming and made Katrina a worse hurricane than it otherwise would have been.

His and his father's occupation of Saudi Arabia led to Osama bin Laden's hatred of America.

While we're blaming things on his father, he looks like a chimp. See www.bushorchimp.com

His Texas education has led millions to mispronounce the word "nuclear."

His insistence on exploring the north side of the island instead of manning the hatch led to a system failure and the crash of Oceanic Flight 815.

His sodomy of Mrs. O'Leary's cow led to its knocking over an oil lamp and the burning of Chicago.

He kept poking Mount St. Helens in early 1980.

He continuously asked Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold if they were "gonna take that shit from those punks."

He spooked Christopher Reeve's horse.

More to come...

The Elderly...My What a Bastardly Bunch They Are

I cannot stress this enough: Walk with a purpose or get the hell out of my way. I don't think that any one of us feels that when they get old they will be like the old people who piss us off now, but we will be. I know what you're thinking. Trust me. "I'm not going to be an old fart/biddy!" Yes, you are. You'll be that old man that you want to push down the stairs. That old fart that says the rudest shit to young girls because he knows that no one's going to say anything to you about it. That little old cotton candy haired lady who holds up the line for an hour because she has a fucking coupon for every last item in the cart and by fucking god they better ring the fuck up right or else there'll be hell to pay! Do you hear me?!! HELL TO PAY!!! We are all headed down that road. We have all booked passage on the SS Geritol and there's no way to stop it. Remember that The Who once said "I hope I die before I get old" and now they are. Well, old or dead. Way to go Keith Moon! You did it! Dead before old. I'm thinking that the only real way to beat it is by the intake of massive amounts of illegal drugs and equal amounts of perfectly legal alcohol. It couldn't hurt.

Funny stuff

This is the trailer to the Borat Movie, if you've ever seen the Ali G show you already know that this is going to be hilarious.

Borat Trailer

This is from McSweeney's it's one of the funniest things I've read in quite a while with it's sequel:

Journal of a new Cobra recruit

Journal of a seasoned Cobra vetran

Snakes on a plane...my ass:

Chuck Klosterman's article about Snakes on a plane that could actually be better than the film

I want you...to want me!

Ok, as an inaugural post I was thinking of what to write? What would pique my interest? What would pique the interest of the many readers? Can't alienate the masses after all. Thinking what in the world would jump out and be good. I mean what can I say that hasn't been said. What idea could I come up with that isn't completely bastardized. I cannot think of one single original idea to pop the cherry of this particular blog. I'm looking forward to interacting with you people. And when I do think of something funny and original...oh boy are you guys going to get blown away. It'll be a perfect blend of political satire with a cutting wit that would make Oscar Wilde blush. Oh but until that day I will make you wonder what you are actually waiting for. "Will it be as funny as promised?" you'll ask yourself. I cannot give you some sort of deposit on the funny but I give you my word and that's about all that I really have, other than herpes.

So hold on and enjoy the ride. Just remember, it could be a lot worse. This could just be about celebrities. Oh they'll be involved somewhat, case in point, what in the hell is up with that Mel Gibson guy, what an ass. See I can be topical.

Overall I think that this will be worth the wait. Don't hold your breathe.

Smarmy

Welcome