Bootleg PBS

That's right, bootleg PBS. Just cos I'm that hardcore. I'm watchin burned DVDs of Charlie Rose interviewing Al Gore. Old episodes of the Jim Lehrer Newshour hosted by Ray Suarez. If you can't hang with that go back to eating grapes in the supermarket aisles. I'm flippin past discs of Frontline to get to Ken Burns' Civil War. You want vintage 3-2-1 Contact? How bout some Reading Rainbow? Hey what punkass stole the cookie from the cookie jar? Me, muddafugga. Couldn't be, you say? Then who? Sure as hell wasn't that beeyotch Boot. I left him tied up James Bond style to be swallowed by a boa constrictor. That's how I roll. It's all made possible by annual financial support from suckas like you. Thank you.

A God By Any Other Name

Bishop Tiny Muskens of the Netherlands has suggested all religions refer to their god as "Allah" in order to foster unity and understanding among the faithful. You know, I've never once met a man named "Tiny" that actually was. Every Tiny I've ever met has been a huge guy with a scraggly beard and prison tattoos on his fingers spelling out words like FATE or JAKE or JOLIET. I haven't seen a picture of Bishop Muskens but I bet he used to be a biker.

So what's wrong with calling God something different? I've done this myself for years to trick people into thinking I was Christian. My god doesn't have a name - like many of this generation I first caught glimpse of my belief system through the visions of George Lucas. But it makes people feel better when you call your god "God" - it makes them think you're talking about their god too. And no matter how obviously ridiculous it is to assign gender characteristics to an unseen force of the universe I still refer to God as a He. Anyone who calls God She is only trying to make a point, to be edgy and make other people uncomfortable. Go ahead and write the hate mail, I've heard all the loving mother arguments and to me there's no difference between a high priestess and a pope. Any religion that argues that one person is inherently closer to God than another can go suck eggs. It makes no difference if the name is God, Allah or the Great Green Arkleseizure - it's all spokes on the same wheel.

Don't Panic!

I've said all year I'm gonna wait to worry till the Red Sox' lead in the AL East was five games.

eep...

Well the bottom line is we need the offense to kick in, and in general lately that's been happening. If you're going to be deficient somewhere, I'd rather it be hitting than pitching. After all, how many games can you win 10-6, 8-5, 16-8?

Enough, apparently, judging from the Yankees' last month. We all know the Yankers beat up on weak teams, but the problem lately (this millenium) has been their struggles against teams with winning records. So looking at this past month as they've trimmed the deficit from 12 games to 5, how many times did they play a .500 team? Hmm - not once. In the first 25 games after the All-Star break, not a one was against a winning team. That trend stops Friday, with series against Cleveland and Anaheim, and two series with Detroit before facing Boston at the end of the month. I posit this particular stretch will be more telling of their true toughness. My beloved Sox, on the other hand, have fully a quarter of their remaining games (12 of 49) with Tampa Bay, the worst team in baseball.

Our tendency to panic comes from something decades old and deep inside. Most of it was washed away in the blood of Curt Schilling, but it's all really only ever remission. Buck up, lil campers. The magic number is 45. This is not your father's Red Sox - it's your Papi's.

Yankee Hole

Oh my good... Oh my goodness gracious I can't believe it. Of all the most dramatic things... Roger Clemens was booed off the mound at Yankee Stadium. Roger Clemens gave up eight runs in an inning and two-thirds... Jorge Posada looks shocked, Andy Pettitte thought it might happen... And there you go, I guess now it's time to start wondering who'll take that fifth spot in the rotation... Oh the humanity...