Balloon-ish type creatures attack RNC

Well it all went down with chilling precision. Before McCain's speech they locked the doors of the X-Tremely X-Cited X-Cel Center so the X-Delegates couldn't leave. McCain himself seemed to sense the impending tragedy as at the end of his speech he prayed for the doomed souls, saying "God bless you all." First they dropped confetti, perhaps as some sort of chum - then the balloons were released, descending slowly, mercilessly, perhaps inevitably onto the crowd. Most of the brave folks attempted to fight back, punching them back up into the air, but it was useless. Here's a picture of Sarah Palin standing in the aftermath...

Giant balloon-ish type creatures poised to attack Republican National Convention

Well I don't know why the media hasn't picked up on this, maybe they're trying to keep it on the down-low so as not to start a panic. I've found this picture, taken this afternoon, of the ceiling of the X-Ceedingly X-Cellent X-Cel Center in St. Paul, and by god they're massing in the rafters. The scuttlebutt seems to be they're going to drop from the ceiling onto the unsuspecting delegates tonight just after McCain finishes his speech. God help us all.

Sarah Does America

Wait, there's more to life than politics and baseball?


Is it just me or is McCain's choice for VP vaguely insulting in a feminist kind of way? Does Sarah Palin kind of look like a porn star? Like she could rip off those glasses, let down her hair and ravage her constituency? I don't know anything about her, I've never heard of her before today, and she seems intelligent although she's against pretty much everything I believe. It's really not her I have a problem with, it's his choice of her for running mate. I'm certainly no cynic, but it seems obvious McCain is courting women upset with Hillary losing the nomination, and that means he thinks those women only supported Hillary because she's a woman. Isn't that kind of shallow? Not to mention the male votes he hopes to pick up because she's attractive.

Traditionally the vice president should be strong in the areas the president is weak - for McCain that would be domestic issues, and no I don't mean that kind of domestic. She's the former mayor of a small town and partway into her first term as governor of Alaska - not for nothing but what does Alaska have to do with mainstream America? I mean, beautiful state, nice to have you participating, but it's a long way from Idaho, where she's really from.

She supports Bush's economic policies and the war in Iraq, she's pro-life and wants to drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR). So she's right down the line with McCain on many important issues, but he runs the risk of being called a hypocrite for saying Obama isn't ready or experienced enough when he chooses her to be next in line to what would be the oldest first term president in history. Not to mention she's currently embroiled in an ethics investigation involving a state trooper who divorced her sister, so his claim to being a reformer is going to ring hollow.

But really, since it actually doesn't matter, a VP pick isn't going to lose you votes, it's only going to gain them no matter who it is, and this will get him a few more stupid people votes, both male and female. It's going to be a close race, and with five possible supreme court seats up for grabs in these four years and McCain pledged to end Roe v Wade, there's a lot at stake. And no matter which way it goes, it'll be historic, as we'll either have a black president or a woman vice president. Next time how about a black woman president, like Cynthia McKinney? She'll never make it, she's too good a person, too honest. Hey how about a native American president? That seems fair...

He was just a widdle man

I can't help but think that Smarmy has found a permanent address, if you know what I mean. Don't really see much of him here on the streets anymore. If he really be the smarmiest hobo of them all, he don't ne'er make it known. I thinks he be a can of Chef Boy-ar-dee away from the fancy life. God forbid'n the man find himself EMPLOYED! Shite be to he and all he holds dear. A curse be on all his cardboard boxes. Wasn't he the one who started all this ranting in the first place? I myself had been in a coma for about a year, but I've come back with a drunken (and non-political or baseball laced) vengeance.

I've already met the Olson twins with chaps and cap guns,
Cleveland

Yay Joe Biden!

For years Joe Biden has been a lone voice of reason in politics - when everyone else was pandering to a bloodthirsty constituency, Biden was the only one putting forth a reasonable plan in Iraq. Let them govern themselves, he was saying back in 2004, the Shiites and Sunnis and Kurds, let them each have their own independent states. That part of the world is more loyal to local tribes of their own race - a sweeping democracy in the hands of a powerful federal government is completely foreign, and therefore suspicious, to them. We've already allowed the Kurds in the north to break away to form a land called Kurdistan, and except for the fact that Turkey won't allow its Kurd population to join them, it's been a peaceful transition. This is a large part of what's ailing Afghanistan also, as local warlords rise up against an American-imposed federal government. The America-allied leader of Pakistan just had to resign for the same reasons. Even here in the United States the prevailing idea was individual states for a hundred years before the end of the Civil War started the thinking that we were one country. That kind of thinking doesn't appeal to people in the Middle East - instead of us imposing what we think is best for them like some condescending parent, why not let the people choose what kind of government they want. Biden is an excellent choice for vice president to help heal global perceptions of America.

I've Got a Hole in Me Pocket

I just thought I'd mention that some jackass has stolen the spoiler off of my suburban. What the shit? Hey there, Mr. Spoiler-Stealer. Did you really need it? What fucking good is it going to do ya? Do you feel like more of a man because you took a piece of metal off of an old ass truck? Did you get your ya-ya's off doing it? Do your friends think you're cooler now? Did it totally accent your riced-out shitty little honda? You little (probably) Mexican turd. What the fuck?! I hope your little stupid ass got soaked in the fucking rain last night while you stood on my bumper with a screwdriver removing a chunk of MY FUCKING CAR! You have ass-raped my spirit, little man. You have made my ride a little more shitty. Why don't you take the wheels? How about the driver's door? Hey, you wanna fuck my wife? How about fucking me? Would you like that, huh, you shit-eating little prick? You seem to want my shit, how about you take it all? Here's my wallet, you want that too? You may as well, you bastard little beaner.

I'll be waiting for you with the INS.

Love ya,
Cleveland

Bill Berry'd Alive

Adrift again, so it seems... Tell me, Mommy... What's that?! And why is it looking at me? I was shocked (and stunned) in a shitty restaurant today as a small child clutched her mothers skirt and pointed at me. She cried "Mommy what is that?!" Her mother said "That's a man, dumb ass." I was floored none the less. Why does this shit always happen to me? I know I have a sweet ass, but really... I don't think that I look like something beyond human, or at least beyond gender. People should really beat their kids a bit more often. Then they would just wait silently for orders like I did.

Shocked... Stunned,
Cleveland

The Long Dark Crawl Into Light

I am now beginning to look forward to football. It's been a long journey since that cold February day, the day when the unthinkable became reality, the day the Patriots became dead to me. For months when I'd drink me voddie out of a Patriots shot glass, I'd comment on how unusual it is to find a glass with no emblem at all. When I'd curl up at night with my little bankie I'd see it as white and unblemished. And hoodie... Dear hoodie was banished to the closet.

I understand we're the bad guys now. I remember from my Celtics experiences in the 80's how success breeds contempt. I know the feel-good story could never last - the upstart young team overcomes double-digit odds to beat the Greatest Show on Turf. How a nation still reeling from the attacks of September 11 rallied around a bunch of no-names introduced as a team, a team called the Patriots, no less. But that story's only good once - do it again and you're the evil empire, just like the Skankees. The victims become the aggressors in Baghdad and Jacksonville and Madden asks "Can you think of a team name more patriotic than the Eagles?" Well, yes, John, I can. Except now we're called the Cheatriots with coach Belicheat.

The other day I was talking football with a little kid while he ate some chocolate cake. He said the Patriots coach is a cheater. I wanted to say to him, can't you understand that's such a narrow definition of a man well into his fifties? Here you are eating chocolate cake, can you imagine every time someone mentions your name I say "Oh he eats chocolate cake. He's nothing but a dirty chocolate cake eater." Years from now you come into work on a Monday morning and say you had a good weekend and I say "What, did you eat some chocolate cake?" Can't you see how ludicrous that is? But he's only six, and not yet ready for such understanding, so I just told him "Don't believe half of what you see and none of what you hear." Everyone needs some Lou Reed, the earlier the better.

So now training camp has begun. Draft picks have been signed. And today I saw the first commercial for the new Madden. Yep, I hear they're starting up a new sport this fall, gonna call it "football." I think I'll root for the Patriots.

Mitchell Report is unpleasant reading

Tonight I'm beginning to digest Senator Mitchell's 400-page report on steroid use in baseball, and it's not going down too well.

Just outside my bedroom door is a cabinet full of Red Sox memorabilia I've collected over the years - I call it my Shrine. One of the displays is four baseballs I got in 1995, each highlighting a different Sox player - three of the four are named as using steroids. The report even has copies of the cancelled checks where they paid for the drugs. It's been building for a long time now, but this is a sad day for baseball. It's a sad day for me as I look at the things in my collection and wonder what they're worth - not in a financial sense but what they're worth to me. Tonight I can't remember all the times those guys made me happy - I only feel naive when I see all the warning signs in retrospect. In a way, though, each of the items represents not just the player, but also where and who I was when I acquired it - in that sense they're all still valuable. Sucks though.

You're not gonna believe this one...

Yep yep it's been a long long long time since we've posted. My beloved Red Sox won the World Series, the Patriots and Celtics are both undefeated (is this reality?), even the Bruins are playing strong. BC was number two, the goddamn New England Revolution are in the playoffs. Not only can it not get better, you have no right to even dream of this if you're a Boston sports fan.

And yet after a couple shots of voddie, the one man I really want to salute is Joe Torre. Yep, the Yankees manager, the dark lord of the sith and a real stand-up guy. Any real Sox fan respects Joe Torre and Derek Jeter, and rejoices at the resigning of A-Hole cos it means ten more years of no Yankee championships. We finally got the AL East title - the first time since Kevin Kennedy and the days of Valentin, Vaughn and Canseco. Jedi mind trick to George Mitchell: These are not the players you're looking for.

But they gave us a scare down the stretch - they overcame a seriously un-Yankee start to win the Wild Card, and you've got to salute the manager for that. A man who made the postseason in each of his twelve years as manager. Everyone whose favorite team is confined by three dimensions think about that for a moment: ten AL East titles, six pennants, and four World Championships. The Sox can only hope for that success in the coming years, and yet Furious George casts aside the anchor. Thankfully it appears they're too afraid to make the complete break, resigning 30-somethings instead of developing farm talent. Joba the Hutt is the antipapelbon and I can become a Dodger fan - Vin Scully makes it so easy. What it all means is vote for Torre as Manager of the Year, early and often. He's the only Yankee I've ever given money to.

Bootleg PBS

That's right, bootleg PBS. Just cos I'm that hardcore. I'm watchin burned DVDs of Charlie Rose interviewing Al Gore. Old episodes of the Jim Lehrer Newshour hosted by Ray Suarez. If you can't hang with that go back to eating grapes in the supermarket aisles. I'm flippin past discs of Frontline to get to Ken Burns' Civil War. You want vintage 3-2-1 Contact? How bout some Reading Rainbow? Hey what punkass stole the cookie from the cookie jar? Me, muddafugga. Couldn't be, you say? Then who? Sure as hell wasn't that beeyotch Boot. I left him tied up James Bond style to be swallowed by a boa constrictor. That's how I roll. It's all made possible by annual financial support from suckas like you. Thank you.

A God By Any Other Name

Bishop Tiny Muskens of the Netherlands has suggested all religions refer to their god as "Allah" in order to foster unity and understanding among the faithful. You know, I've never once met a man named "Tiny" that actually was. Every Tiny I've ever met has been a huge guy with a scraggly beard and prison tattoos on his fingers spelling out words like FATE or JAKE or JOLIET. I haven't seen a picture of Bishop Muskens but I bet he used to be a biker.

So what's wrong with calling God something different? I've done this myself for years to trick people into thinking I was Christian. My god doesn't have a name - like many of this generation I first caught glimpse of my belief system through the visions of George Lucas. But it makes people feel better when you call your god "God" - it makes them think you're talking about their god too. And no matter how obviously ridiculous it is to assign gender characteristics to an unseen force of the universe I still refer to God as a He. Anyone who calls God She is only trying to make a point, to be edgy and make other people uncomfortable. Go ahead and write the hate mail, I've heard all the loving mother arguments and to me there's no difference between a high priestess and a pope. Any religion that argues that one person is inherently closer to God than another can go suck eggs. It makes no difference if the name is God, Allah or the Great Green Arkleseizure - it's all spokes on the same wheel.

Don't Panic!

I've said all year I'm gonna wait to worry till the Red Sox' lead in the AL East was five games.

eep...

Well the bottom line is we need the offense to kick in, and in general lately that's been happening. If you're going to be deficient somewhere, I'd rather it be hitting than pitching. After all, how many games can you win 10-6, 8-5, 16-8?

Enough, apparently, judging from the Yankees' last month. We all know the Yankers beat up on weak teams, but the problem lately (this millenium) has been their struggles against teams with winning records. So looking at this past month as they've trimmed the deficit from 12 games to 5, how many times did they play a .500 team? Hmm - not once. In the first 25 games after the All-Star break, not a one was against a winning team. That trend stops Friday, with series against Cleveland and Anaheim, and two series with Detroit before facing Boston at the end of the month. I posit this particular stretch will be more telling of their true toughness. My beloved Sox, on the other hand, have fully a quarter of their remaining games (12 of 49) with Tampa Bay, the worst team in baseball.

Our tendency to panic comes from something decades old and deep inside. Most of it was washed away in the blood of Curt Schilling, but it's all really only ever remission. Buck up, lil campers. The magic number is 45. This is not your father's Red Sox - it's your Papi's.

Yankee Hole

Oh my good... Oh my goodness gracious I can't believe it. Of all the most dramatic things... Roger Clemens was booed off the mound at Yankee Stadium. Roger Clemens gave up eight runs in an inning and two-thirds... Jorge Posada looks shocked, Andy Pettitte thought it might happen... And there you go, I guess now it's time to start wondering who'll take that fifth spot in the rotation... Oh the humanity...

Marijuana linked to psychosis

The medical journal The Lancet is publishing a study today that suggests marijuana use may lead to psychosis. A link to the AP story can be found here. A couple of things worth noting - there are a certain percentage of people who smoke pot. There are a certain percentage who are psychotic. That the two percentages may overlap does not indicate a causal relationship. A large percentage of serial killers drank milk as a child - this doesn't mean drinking milk causes you to kill people. In the middle of the article is a giant ad for Seroquel, an anti-psychotic drug that sponsored the web page. What really stands out, though, is the last paragraph - the continued effort of the pharmaceutical industry to disparage a drug that grows free in the ground. At least, that's what the voices in my head tell me...

"Two of the authors of the study were invited experts on the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs Cannabis Review in 2005. Several authors reported being paid to attend drug company-sponsored meetings related to marijuana, and one received consulting fees from companies that make antipsychotic medications."

Kinder, Gentler Dog Fighting

Why is it that dog-fighting rings always involve pit-bulls? I think it would be much more entertaining to use chihuahuas. The fights would be quicker - one growl and they'd both be cowering and shaking behind their owners' legs. In honor of Les Nessman it could be called the
Chi Chi Rodriguez Chihuahua Conflagration.

Spying Squirrels

I make no judgement on the issue, I merely pass it along. Fourteen squirrels were detained along Iran's border and charged with espionage. The state-sponsored news agency IRNA reported the squirrels were equipped with GPS, cameras and listening devices. I'm not here to speculate, but if they had cameras perhaps they were being prepared for Junior's colonoscopy?

Funny Ad Placement

Here's the funny...enjoy!

The right hand sidebar says, "Dad, what would happen to me and mommy if you died?"

Larry's Lost Lounge

Oops, never mind...

Posh Gelfling

Is it just me or does Victoria Beckham look like one of those little people from The Dark Crystal?