The Long Dark Crawl Into Light

I am now beginning to look forward to football. It's been a long journey since that cold February day, the day when the unthinkable became reality, the day the Patriots became dead to me. For months when I'd drink me voddie out of a Patriots shot glass, I'd comment on how unusual it is to find a glass with no emblem at all. When I'd curl up at night with my little bankie I'd see it as white and unblemished. And hoodie... Dear hoodie was banished to the closet.

I understand we're the bad guys now. I remember from my Celtics experiences in the 80's how success breeds contempt. I know the feel-good story could never last - the upstart young team overcomes double-digit odds to beat the Greatest Show on Turf. How a nation still reeling from the attacks of September 11 rallied around a bunch of no-names introduced as a team, a team called the Patriots, no less. But that story's only good once - do it again and you're the evil empire, just like the Skankees. The victims become the aggressors in Baghdad and Jacksonville and Madden asks "Can you think of a team name more patriotic than the Eagles?" Well, yes, John, I can. Except now we're called the Cheatriots with coach Belicheat.

The other day I was talking football with a little kid while he ate some chocolate cake. He said the Patriots coach is a cheater. I wanted to say to him, can't you understand that's such a narrow definition of a man well into his fifties? Here you are eating chocolate cake, can you imagine every time someone mentions your name I say "Oh he eats chocolate cake. He's nothing but a dirty chocolate cake eater." Years from now you come into work on a Monday morning and say you had a good weekend and I say "What, did you eat some chocolate cake?" Can't you see how ludicrous that is? But he's only six, and not yet ready for such understanding, so I just told him "Don't believe half of what you see and none of what you hear." Everyone needs some Lou Reed, the earlier the better.

So now training camp has begun. Draft picks have been signed. And today I saw the first commercial for the new Madden. Yep, I hear they're starting up a new sport this fall, gonna call it "football." I think I'll root for the Patriots.

The Case for Kicking

I have become cold again, and insensible; nothing is left but a senile love for unbroken calm . . .

Eh, it's not that bad. And thanks to Dan Shaughnessy of the Boston Globe for pointing out the relevance of Kafka in the wake of the Colts 38-34 win over my beloved New England Patriots. But there's one thing that's been burnin my butter for a few years now, and to see it contribute to our loss last Sunday, well I can keep silent no more.

The winner of the coin toss to open the game can choose to kick or receive - whatever is decided is reversed to start the second half. Therefore you must elect to kick to start the game. It has long been standard practice to receive - the reasoning is to get the ball first, score first, and set the tone for the rest of the game. Of course, statistically, you're not going to score on that opening drive. I don't have the statistics, but I'll bet if I did I'd be proven right. This is what the Patriots did last Sunday, and they went six and out and punted. Then the Colts ended the first half with a long scoring drive, received to start the second half and went on another long scoring drive. The Pats went three and out, and the Colts went on another long scoring drive, and the Pats defense was exhausted for the rest of the game. It is my contention that if the Patriots had elected to kick to start the game, the defense would have had that much longer to rest after halftime, and perhaps would have held a little stronger in that devastating third quarter.

But that's just one game. There are so many other reasons to kick as a general strategy: First of all, the second half is the most important of the two, obviously. You've felt out the other team and made your halftime adjustments - that's the time to receive the ball. And especially if the strength of your team is its defense - you send the other team three and out on its first drive, then get the ball with probably better field position than you would have had on a kickoff return, plus you get the ball to open the second half. This is true even more in a home game - the crowd is pumped during the player introductions, but if they're smart they quiet down when the home team goes on offense to make audibles easier. Electing to kick keeps your crowd at full roar for the visitors' opening drive - this is what can truly set the tone for the game.

I can't be the first one to consider these points - surely our genius coach Bill Belichick has carefully measured all the factors and determined his strategy - I know he doesn't need to hear from me. But Richard Seymour's cell number is 401-464-1194, maybe I'll give him a call...