Well everyone, I'll bet you didn't know that I was a great cook, did you? I am. Believe me. It turns out that I have a famous great-aunt. You may all know her as Julia Childs, but back at the ol' Ounces family shack we call her great-auntie Julia. That's right, she was born an Ounces. She married that Childs guy for his money. It was all she could do to keep herself in booze. After all, she is family.
This is a favorite recipe that she and I created when I was just a kid. It's called "The Hobo Special."
You'll need: One can Vienna Sausage, one package of saltine crackers (not the big box, just a small one, or one quarter of a big box) and a single Chicken flavor Cup o' noodles.
Start by putting some water on the boil. Damn boiling! Takes so long! That's why you have the Vienna Sausage. Open the can and drain that nasty smelling juice somewhere far away from you. Open the pack of crackers. Take a bite of a cracker and then a bite of Vienna Sausage. Chew. It sounds disgusting, but it actually quite a good combination. Repeat as desired until water boils.
Prepare the Cup o' noodles as per the directions on the package. While waiting for them to be done, continue with the Vienna Sausage and Cracker thing. When the noodles are done, take a FORK (not a spoon) and eat all of the noodles out of the chickeny flavored hot broth. When you have finished all of the noodles, take all of your remaining crackers and smash them up into the broth. I know it seems like they all wont fit, but they will, just keep smashing them down. If you've saved enough crackers for this step, you will have a soggy paste. Take a spoon and enjoy this warm, salty, chickeny sludge. I know it sounds disgusting, but it's actually fantastic. It's like great-aunt Julia always used to say, "I'll bet you thought pussy was gross before you ate it, didn't you?"
That's good eatin'!
40oz.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Thursday, March 01, 2007
The Real McCain
Oh, John McCain, you maverick. Announcing your intention to run for president in 2008 on David Letterman's show, or at least announcing you were going to announce it. Yeah, I laughed when I heard it, but really it was Paul Schaeffer had the best line, saying the official announcement was gonna be on Leno. I was a big supporter of McCain in the 2000 primaries - I bought into his portrayal of himself as a straight talker, I respect his service in the military, and admire his courage as a prisoner of war in Vietnam. I heard Bush saying things during that primary like "We're gonna make America stronger" - I thought, there's no way a bumbling, empty-headed goof like Bush would beat out a man of such substance for the nomination. Who knows, maybe he didn't.
But Bush became the nominee, and McCain did an immediate flip-flop, throwing his full support behind his party's candidate - I justified it in my own mind, thinking he's got to toe the line for his future campaigns. So much for the straight talk... Then next thing I know he's hugging Bush, saying Pat Robertson isn't so bad, speaking out against gay marriage, calling for troop escalations in Iraq. Well, I almost agree with him on that last point - but the time for a heavy presence was four years ago, not now. And if he beats out Rudy for the nomination this time around, he'll lose the general election because of it.
So you may have heard of a guy Robert Greenwald, he's the mouthpiece for the radical leftist website MoveOn.org. Like most of you I rebel against those hard to either side, but if you can look past the extremist sniper rhetoric he does have some good facts. And so I'd encourage you to check out his website documenting McCain's flip-flops, The Real McCain.com. I imagine the McCain campaign will again present an image of him speaking truth to power, but don't be fooled by yet another rich old white man. The Straight Talk Express derailed years ago.
But Bush became the nominee, and McCain did an immediate flip-flop, throwing his full support behind his party's candidate - I justified it in my own mind, thinking he's got to toe the line for his future campaigns. So much for the straight talk... Then next thing I know he's hugging Bush, saying Pat Robertson isn't so bad, speaking out against gay marriage, calling for troop escalations in Iraq. Well, I almost agree with him on that last point - but the time for a heavy presence was four years ago, not now. And if he beats out Rudy for the nomination this time around, he'll lose the general election because of it.
So you may have heard of a guy Robert Greenwald, he's the mouthpiece for the radical leftist website MoveOn.org. Like most of you I rebel against those hard to either side, but if you can look past the extremist sniper rhetoric he does have some good facts. And so I'd encourage you to check out his website documenting McCain's flip-flops, The Real McCain.com. I imagine the McCain campaign will again present an image of him speaking truth to power, but don't be fooled by yet another rich old white man. The Straight Talk Express derailed years ago.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Om-alaguenia
Wasn't that the name of the fictional holiday from Biloxi Blues? You know, the one for Mexican Jews? I think that was it. Either way, the exodus is now complete (I prefer to spell it "c-o-m-p-l-e-a-t" like the British do, but the damned spell check wont let me.) and after about 30 hours of being awake, I'm ready to die. I have made my peace and all I want to do is nothing. I just want to be still and quiet.
I'd like to be able to post something more interesting, but I'm crapped out. I've had enough, I'm moving out... To the city, the big, big city. I'll be a big noise with all the big boys. So much stuff I will own! I'll pray to a big god as I kneel in a big church. BIG TIME! I'm on my way out making it big time!
Thank you Mr. Gabriel, you funky funky British monkey!
40oz.
I'd like to be able to post something more interesting, but I'm crapped out. I've had enough, I'm moving out... To the city, the big, big city. I'll be a big noise with all the big boys. So much stuff I will own! I'll pray to a big god as I kneel in a big church. BIG TIME! I'm on my way out making it big time!
Thank you Mr. Gabriel, you funky funky British monkey!
40oz.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
A Little Fine Theatre.
Today I'd like to act out a scene from the James Melkonian classic, The Stoned Age. This particular scene is in the last act. The dialog is between our hero Joe, and our little misunderstood toady, Tack. Both parts will be played by 40oz.
Joe and Tack are fighting, rolling around a Torrence Beach front yard. Joe uses a double-fist punch to pound Tacks nards before pinning him to the ground...
Joe - "Hey, Tack, man... What the fuck happened to you, man? You used to be cool!"
Tack - "Fine chicks wont even talk to me... They all think I'm gross. Ya think any chick is gonna wanna talk to a crater-face?!
Joe - "Well, maybe you could meet a chick with an acne problem too. You know? Maybe then you'd have something in common."
Tack - "FUCK THAT SHIT!! I want FINE chicks!"
Joe pounds Tacks nards again before dashing to safety inside the house. Before he can make it inside, an Ox 45 tallboy strikes him on the back of the head, propelling him forward. As he hits the floor, the door slams shut. He is safe.... For now!
Stay tuned for the next installment of James Melkonians, The Stoned Age!
40oz.
Joe and Tack are fighting, rolling around a Torrence Beach front yard. Joe uses a double-fist punch to pound Tacks nards before pinning him to the ground...
Joe - "Hey, Tack, man... What the fuck happened to you, man? You used to be cool!"
Tack - "Fine chicks wont even talk to me... They all think I'm gross. Ya think any chick is gonna wanna talk to a crater-face?!
Joe - "Well, maybe you could meet a chick with an acne problem too. You know? Maybe then you'd have something in common."
Tack - "FUCK THAT SHIT!! I want FINE chicks!"
Joe pounds Tacks nards again before dashing to safety inside the house. Before he can make it inside, an Ox 45 tallboy strikes him on the back of the head, propelling him forward. As he hits the floor, the door slams shut. He is safe.... For now!
Stay tuned for the next installment of James Melkonians, The Stoned Age!
40oz.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
You Think That You've Defeated Me?!
I'm out of the picture for a while and Smarmy gets delusions of greatness. Well, here on the ol' Country Ham Express, we just got temporarily derailed in a dry county for the month of January. So, clink-clink, have a drink. I have so much to think about... Don't snore, have some more, I need the time to type it out!
I have to wonder about things sometimes. Are people really as stupid as I think they are? I believe the answer is "yes." "Sir, I want those cigars." says the dull man as he points like an idiot. "Which ones?" responds the 40oz. "Those right there!" he says again as his stubby little finger juts forward at a wall of over 30 different cigars. "You'll have to be more specific, sir, there's a lot of cigars here." says 40. The dipshit asshole does the Napoleon Dynamite sigh, "Ghhhod!" "Those right there! The ones right there... What's your problem!" 40oz. is stunned. The man shouts, "Those on the second shelf, third from the right!" 40oz. is relieved and he reaches for those very specifically pointed out cigars. As his hand touches them, the dumbass sighs again, "No, ghhhod! Can't you count?! I said third from the right!" 40oz. is truly confused now. Had the meaning of the word "right" changed since he had last used it? Was his brain beginning to rot dealing with the stupid people? On a hunch, he moved his hand to the third cigar from the left just to see if that would work. The dumb fucks eyes light up, "Yes, those cigars. Jeez, why do they hire such stupid people here?" 40oz. replies with a simple, "I dunno." I know, I know you want to rip their stupid dumbass faces off, but a paycheck is a very important thing. I think it was Thom Yorke that said "When I am king you will be first against the wall." Wouldn't it be nice?
The Peace and the Grease,
40oz.
I have to wonder about things sometimes. Are people really as stupid as I think they are? I believe the answer is "yes." "Sir, I want those cigars." says the dull man as he points like an idiot. "Which ones?" responds the 40oz. "Those right there!" he says again as his stubby little finger juts forward at a wall of over 30 different cigars. "You'll have to be more specific, sir, there's a lot of cigars here." says 40. The dipshit asshole does the Napoleon Dynamite sigh, "Ghhhod!" "Those right there! The ones right there... What's your problem!" 40oz. is stunned. The man shouts, "Those on the second shelf, third from the right!" 40oz. is relieved and he reaches for those very specifically pointed out cigars. As his hand touches them, the dumbass sighs again, "No, ghhhod! Can't you count?! I said third from the right!" 40oz. is truly confused now. Had the meaning of the word "right" changed since he had last used it? Was his brain beginning to rot dealing with the stupid people? On a hunch, he moved his hand to the third cigar from the left just to see if that would work. The dumb fucks eyes light up, "Yes, those cigars. Jeez, why do they hire such stupid people here?" 40oz. replies with a simple, "I dunno." I know, I know you want to rip their stupid dumbass faces off, but a paycheck is a very important thing. I think it was Thom Yorke that said "When I am king you will be first against the wall." Wouldn't it be nice?
The Peace and the Grease,
40oz.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Long Time No See
Hey loyal readers, how is everybody doing? It's been about a month since my last post and have gotten off of my ass to post again.
It's been a rough month. I have come out of hibernation, you non-hobos didn't know that we hibernate during the winter months. I noticed that there are already a plethora of democratic candidates for president and the election is over a year away. That's a lot of politicking. A few of my friends have come out and said that Al Gore should run again. Me, I hope that he does not. Don't get me wrong I really like the guy but that's the reason for my reasoning. You see he was in a little documentary called "An Inconvenient Truth", I really enjoyed it, and if he were to run for president in 2008 then everything he did in that little documentary would be automatically put under campaigning. I would like to believe that it was heart felt and had nothing to do with his political career.
I don't know. I'm usually full of shit so take everything I write with a grain of salt. Oh and I'm also hopped up on meth. Two things that usually invalidate an opinion. But I have a blog and therefore I can type whatever I want.
Take that whoever disagrees with me.
Another thing, I'm beginning to feel like the meth addled version of Andy Rooney, maybe Andy Rooney is meth addled and I just don't know about it. If you know Andy Rooney and know if he's as much of a meth fan as I am then leave a comment. It would be greatly appreciated, it's just something I would like to know.
Have a good easter.
Smarmy
It's been a rough month. I have come out of hibernation, you non-hobos didn't know that we hibernate during the winter months. I noticed that there are already a plethora of democratic candidates for president and the election is over a year away. That's a lot of politicking. A few of my friends have come out and said that Al Gore should run again. Me, I hope that he does not. Don't get me wrong I really like the guy but that's the reason for my reasoning. You see he was in a little documentary called "An Inconvenient Truth", I really enjoyed it, and if he were to run for president in 2008 then everything he did in that little documentary would be automatically put under campaigning. I would like to believe that it was heart felt and had nothing to do with his political career.
I don't know. I'm usually full of shit so take everything I write with a grain of salt. Oh and I'm also hopped up on meth. Two things that usually invalidate an opinion. But I have a blog and therefore I can type whatever I want.
Take that whoever disagrees with me.
Another thing, I'm beginning to feel like the meth addled version of Andy Rooney, maybe Andy Rooney is meth addled and I just don't know about it. If you know Andy Rooney and know if he's as much of a meth fan as I am then leave a comment. It would be greatly appreciated, it's just something I would like to know.
Have a good easter.
Smarmy
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